Hey all, first time posting on here... I'm in a bad place and figured someone might be able to help a little.
Long story short, my Dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer almost two months ago and I haven't been coping very well I don't think.
When I'm with my partner or friends I am able to push thoughts and feelings to the back of my mind; when I talk to my Dad I'm able to stay strong for him as I know that's what he needs, but when I'm alone I fall into a dark place. I cry, obsess over what more I could have done in our father-daughter relationship after a complicated past, but mostly I find myself grieving deeply despite him still being alive.
I feel guilty for grieving when he's still alive, and he gets angry because I'm affected by this to the extent I am. Of course I'm heartbroken, and I feel useless as we all just have to sit and hope for the best. Yes, it has affected my University studies (I'm living away, 22yrs old)...
I am made to feel guilty over needing to be alone at times just to "be"... But even with time alone, or with family, or any other way I think I'm "dealing" with things, it doesn't feel like I am. I feel like my family expect something from me; to behave a certain way, to handle things a certain way, but because I'm not, they're judging me. I just don't know what to do, everything I say or do feels like I'm disappointing someone somehow.
Is there anything I can do to help me cope, or is this something that I'm just going to hop I can work through?
I feel shameful just having to ask, because I'm not the one with cancer. I'm not the one going through this terrible I'll essay. Who am I to seek help.
