Hi there and a very warm welcome to Cancer Chat.

I am so sorry to hear about your mum's recent diagnosis and of the dilemma you find yourself in. It is hard enough to deal with one ill parent, it will be even harder to cope with two. I lost my mum to breast cancer 20 years ago and have been contending with it myself for the past 8 years. In that time I have had 2 bouts, but fortunately, both have been primary cancers.

One thing that has changed tremendously in the interim is the treatment and aftercare for breast cancer, thanks to our friends at Cancer Research. There is just no comparison whatsoever between that which my mum received and that which I have had in the past 8 years. Twenty years ago it was accepted that people died of cancer. Now many are living with cancer, so it is not as devastating as you might think.

Has your mum been told what type of breast cancer she has, what stage it is at, or what surgery or treatment she will have? These factors will all help to determine what her chances are.

Chrissie has been through this too and the advice that she has given you is all sound, especially about living for the day and not worrying about the bigger picture. If finances are tight for you all, you should be eligible for some benefits. Does your father get any benefits at present? Some benefits depend on their means whilst others are irrespective of means. You may find that they will also be able to claim carer's allowance. There is usually a place in most hospitals that can give you advice about finances and help you fill out the forms. Mine is run by Macmillan, but you can also contact your Citizen's Advice Bureau for help. The unit in the hospital should be the one best able to help with applications for cancer.

Do you have carer's coming in to help your dad? You may with time need them coming in for your mum too. My mother-in-law is currently having palliative care at home. Her social worker saw her for the first time on a Friday and had a hospital bed delivered on the following Monday. She arranged for carers to visit 4 times a day and they started on the Monday evening. She also arranged for the practice nurse to come out twice a week and for benefit applications for my father-in-law and, has been out to see them every week to see if she can do any more. Without this help we could never manage to keep her in her own home, which is what they both want.

Perhaps if you got better support and fiinancial help, you would be better able to cope with all that is going on? There is no point in you running yourself into the ground, as you have become the lynchpin in the family now. It is only by talking to your mum that you can persuade her that she is not a burden and that, as a family, you will overcome this latest hurdle, and get through this together. Do you have other siblings who can help out or are you dealing with this on your own?

I am thinking of you all and praying that you will get the strength to get through this.

Please let us know how you are getting on. We are always here for you all.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx