Mother diagnosed in Jan 2017 with Pancreatic cancer with a life expectancy of 3-6 months. At the same time I was diagnosed with DCIS, had surgery and 7 wks of radiation. During this time I was the primary carer for my mother at home despite my own illness and have basically put my life on hold for over 14 months now. Last month my mother was admitted to A&E with a UTI and now remains on the palliative care ward. She never wanted to know her prognosis and we as a family we never permitted to discuss the subject with her. For a whole year I managed her illness, medication and full nursing care to the detriment of my own health. Now I think she maybe coming to the end I don't know. I had a horrible time with the consultants when I asked them to reevaluate her. She is 87 they are still looking at me as if I am mad. One locum doctor came to the house 8 months ago and told me to take her off her lifelong medication when she hurt her leg!!!! Other medications where inteferring with her cognitive abilities but I advocated for my mum and in as much as I could maintained this for her benefit. I know, as does my family know that she would be dead a long time ago except for me being here to look after her. I felt at most times it was a privalege but that feeling is dying with my anger especially since she went into hospital. Very much like a post from an emily back in October my mother cant seem to even stand me coming into to see her especially when my brothers are around. I have 5 and one sister. I am 55 years old. when I go to put my hand on hers as she requests the others to do all the time she shuns it away. Tonight she blahlently lied to one of my brothers. We seemed to be having a very nice day up until he arrived which is constantly happening. When we are alone she is very nice but once there is company she fires abuse and abuse at me and I am supposed to take it. She told my brother that I had told her she had stomach cancer and only a few months to live................ I denied it obviously ..... got the evil eye from her and then the pitious eye to my brother. I got angry and just said I was leaving. I have told her how much she is hurting me and yet she continues. I just don't want anymore to do with her and want to visit her tomorrow to say good-bye. I have recognised that this trait in her was there long ago some while back but I was used for her convenience. But once she got sick I put this aside to care for her and try to remember the good we had in our relationship. I know my brothers look at me and wonder where the truth is but so much trust has been broken because of her. My eldest brother says he saw it 30 years ago. A patient in the hospital actually said to my last week that she had been studying my mum and my mum knew exactly how to press each of our emotional buttons to get the reaction she wants. The pain of the last year thinking on so many occasions that she was dying and trying to safe her and then she blackens me like this is so very very hard to bear. I want to cut my losses now but I probably wont even in death she has the upper hand over me emotionally. Probably why I am alone now. She wouldn't even say goodnight to me when I was leaving tonight because my brother was still there. But then next week, they all will be working during the day and she wont see them only briefly in the evening so she will behave all nice and kind because there is no one to hear her lies and manipulation. She even uses death as a kind of emotional blackmail. I don't know what to say or do. The family is breaking up anyway over the strain this entire year has brought upon all of us but mainly me as they all acknowledged the burden was on my shoulders and now the abuse....maybe that was all it was anyway for 55 years. I cried endlessly two weeks at the thought of losing her but so far from that now.
