Hello Trina. Welcome to the forum. Sorry to learn of your dad's diagnosis; how is he coping with the chemo? To see someone we love struggling with an illness is such an awful thing but I am sure you are trying to help him. I am copying some information for family and caregivers from this website which I hope may be of some use to you. Please do come back and tell us a bit more about your family and how you are all coping and how your dad is progressing. Annie
I've got myeloma, though I'm in remission at the moment. I've been very ill and close to death a couple of times but here's the thing - I'm not very ill and close to death today.
This myeloma is a very individual thing and different people react differently to different treatments but there are general things that we can say about it.
If you have any questions, and nothing is off limits, please feel free to ask and I'll try and help.
The best advice I can give is this. Forget about 'being strong', all anyone need be is 'sufficient to the moment'. It's all about what's happening now, things can and will change from minute to minute. Feeling good one minute can be extreme nausea the next. Climbing stairs today may be out of the question, another time, it won't be.
There's lots of research being done and new treatments becoming available. Not curable but treatable.
Hey.. I’m sorry to hear this. I now know how hard it is to experience hearing news like this.
I’m completely unsure of the terminology used for the different types of cancer but I only found out today that my dad has a cancerous growth on his liver.
I literally don’t know what to do or say, I have just been crying. His first bout of chemo I think is in 2 weeks time, where he has to have something attached to him for 48 hours? I have no idea whether it’s been caught early, or which type it is or anything. All I know is that I’m worried and scared.
My dad sounds similar to yours; he’s in great spirits and has every faith in the doctors and what they have told him. I don’t want to probe him or my mum too much for answers as I don’t want to upset them by showing that I’m upset.
It's ok to be upset. It's healthy to be upset. People, including your folks, will expect that you be upset. Here's the thing though, by keeping all this to yourself, you're upset all the time but if you share your upsetness with your folks, it's out in the open and the sting is drawn.
And once you've had a cry together, you can talk about practical stuff. You can explore each others' feelings and most importantly you can share happiness.
Nobody is happy all the time. And nobody should be sad all the time. Most people, I think, cruise along in a kind of neutral, experiencing periods of happiness and periods of sadness. At the appropriate times.
There's a tendency though, when presented with extreme bad news, that we have an extreme reaction and the shock of it all makes it difficult to get from extreme sadness back to the neutral.
My experience was that on hearing the news of my cancer I told the whole family. They all rallied round and because I became very ill very quickly, they wanted to help and I needed their help. We were open about everything, with everybody doing research to try to understand what the future might hold. The family individually, whenever they felt like a cry, cried with me. They actually said things like 'I don't want you to die' and we experienced these feelings together.
We soon found that it was impossible to be sad or cry all the time and tears often turned to laughter as we took the mickey out of each other. And we experienced the periods of happiness. Pleasure found in little things. Understanding how each other was feeling and giving each other support at such times. And they were all there and said their goodbyes and 'I love yous' when we all thought I was on the way out.
And we live on with a different, new normal. Back in neutral with bits of good and bad.
And never forget, your dad will always want to comfort you in your sadness. It'd be a shame to deprive him of the opportunity.
You have such an amazing take on this whole situation which I both admire and respect; I’m sure your positive and uplifting attitude does a whole lot for yourself and those around you and now me!
I appreciate the time and effort you out into giving such an inspiring reply. I’ve screenshot and saved it to flip back to on the days that I’ll need it lol. Right now, I kinda feel like I’m in autopilot mode, just getting on with everything, I would say the equivalent word you used is ‘neutral’. I think the night times are worse as there are so many distractions during the day to preoccupy my mind.
May God continue blessing and preserving you. Your words have genuinely brought me enough comfort to get me through the night at the very least!
I can assure you my attitude is purely accidental. Due to almost no memory, an inability to hold a negative thought for more than a few seconds and cognitive impairment, I have no choice but to live 'in the moment'. I cannot plan or think in the abstract any more, every thought is reactive.
It's because of this that I'm able to speak with some authority on the benefits of living in the moment, of not pondering, of not worrying about the future etc.
I expect to require surgery in the near future, after a colonoscopy the other day. But , although I'm able to understand the possible procedures and , if I remember, to research whatever, I'm unable to actively think about it. Although I've had an immediate brief report on the colonoscopy, there's obviously lab reports to wait for and calls to go to clinic but I simply don't have the waiting worries that most people get when waiting for results.
If and when I consider all this, I think it's great. Although I don't consider it, it just comes to mind as and when I read various posts and a reply is triggerred.
You're absolutely right about my supportive family. I'm truly blessed. Always remember the magic phrase -
