Hi Brighterdays,

I note that this is your first visit to the forum, so I extend a very warm welcome to Cancer Chat.

I am so sorry to hear about your mum’s diagnosis. This is never easy to deal with, but I am glad to hear that you are attending her appointments with her. I lost my mum to breast cancer 20 years ago and now have breast cancer myself. I have had 2 bouts, the first was diagnosed 7½ years ago and the second 6½ years ago. Treatment has come on a long way since my mum had this. I have been offered treatments and aftercare that she never even heard about.

I have a number of other medical complications, which have made surgery and treatment difficult. The first time I had a lumpectomy followed by Tamoxifen. The second a double mastectomy followed by Letrozole, as the Tamoxifen obviously hadn’t worked. I was also advised to have radiotherapy after the first bout, but, due to procedural errors, this never happened. After the second lot of surgery I was advised that I didn’t need chemo or radiotherapy.

I and many others on this site have found it so much better if we can be open with family and talk about our conditions. You will find that there are times when our minds are all over the place. We can experience anger, disbelief, fear, anxiety, worry for family members, lots of crying and a whole host of other emotions. It sounds as if your mum is being incredibly brave, but she does need someone that she can confide in.

If you try to help her by drawing up a list of questions before each hospital visit, she may open up to you. I found that this worked with my own mum and could almost see the relief on her face as she disclosed some of her worst fears. Most of us fear the unknown. Do you know what type of breast cancer your mum has or what stage her cancer is at? Breast cancer is based on a staging of 1-4, with 1 being the best outcome and 4 indicating spread to other lymph nodes or organs. The earlier it is caught and treatment begins, the better the outcome usually is, although the age and general medical health of the individual can also influence this.

A cancer diagnosis affects the whole family and you all need to be able to talk about it. Your mum is probably trying to protect you all from what is happening, but sadly this is not possible. If your mum can’t talk to family members, does she have a close friend who she could confide in? There are also various charities that offer support to people with cancer. These vary throughout the country, but places like Maggies or the Haven are examples of such services. These offer free counselling services, alternative therapies for the patient and her family, talks on the effects of cancer and how to deal with them. They also offer a warm welcome and a cup of tea any time you go along. Your mum’s breast care nurse should be able to tell you what services there are in your area.

As to what you can do to help your mum. Try to pre-empt her needs and keep her as comfortable as possible. Just be there for her and let her know how much you love her. Many family members feel frustrated and believe that they cannot do enough to help their loved ones, but this is not usually the case. Your mum may be very tired and may need to take a nap quite frequently. Her mouth may also be very dry, due to medication. You can ensure that she has a cold drink whenever she needs one.

Have you asked her whether there is anyone that she would like to visit while she is well enough to travel? There may also be places that she might like to see. Perhaps family could help her to do this? It is also worth monitoring how well her medication is working. Pain can become more severe with time and sometimes meds need to be changed or made stronger. Because you see your mum more regularly, you are likely to notice problems like this, before her care team will. Does she like reading? She may be too tired to bother, but if she is still interested, a supply of reading material can be helpful. Some people find access to music helps them to relax.

What family do you have? This is a time for family members to prove that they can be strong for your mum. The more positive your attitude the better your mum will feel. Just try to make the most of each and every day. Try to build memories which will remain with you all forever.

All of these may be small things, taken one by one, but they make a huge difference when put together.

I sincerely hope that your mum will soon open up to the family. If not, perhaps some of the family should see a counsellor for advice about what to do?

Please keep in touch and let us know how you get on. We are always here for you all whenever you want to talk.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx