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My boyfriends mother is dying - what should I do?

holly1234
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Hello,

I have been with my boyfriend for a little over two years, and we are both 20. His mother has been ill but stable for perhaps half of our relationship, however in recent weeks her condition has seriously declined to the point that she has been offered hospice care. My boyfriend is extremely sensitive and feels a lot of responsibility over his father, and two younger siblings. However for the duration of her illness he has shied away from knowing too much due to concern that any pessimism will be detrimental to her health. He has used university to escape from the trauma that his family is going through, and intends to continue to do so despite the limited time she has left, (as a result of this I don't know his family very well). He is extremely close to his mother, they are very alike and have a very good relationship.

Throughout the course of her illness I have tried my best to support and help my boyfriend in any way I can - practically and emotionally - while avoiding giving any sort of advice or telling him what he should do, simply because I have never been in a situation like his and don't want to say the wrong thing. However given the severity of her illness at this stage I desperately want to know what I should be doing to help him through this, both during and after.

Any advice regarding how to behave around, and what to do for, loved ones whose family members are dying would be so appreciated. I don't want to overstep my place and be too involved or pushy, but I want to be active and helpful as he goes through this. What should I do?

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    Hello there, holly1234.  I  don't know how much use my advice will be as I am not sure about the basis of your relationship with your boyfriend and his family.  You say he is extremely close to his mum but at the same time he doesn't want to go home to be with her.  Is he in denial about his mum's condition?  If you have been together for two years I would like to think you are close enough to talk to him about your concerns for the way things are going. Also, are his family not telling him that he needs to come home to see his mum?  You sound like a nice lady who wants to do the right thing by your boyfriend and his family which is why you are asking for advice.  You can only try to talk to him, ask him how you can help and gently point out that he now needs to get a bit more hands-on with his family.  Relationships have to be two-way things and he will I hope listen to you if you are as tactful as possible given the urgency of the situation.  Others may have better ideas to get him moving.

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    Hiya, I completely agree with what Annieliz had to say about this - you can only talk to him to help him out gently. Maybe you could suggest going to see his mum together? My dad has had a similar reaction to mum's diagnosis (I know the situation isn't the same at all) but I think he needs all the support he can get if he sees her when she's unwell (if that makes any sense). I think what I'm trying to say is having you there may give him the support he needs, as it sounds like he is scared and in denial of the situation, and hopefully having someone he loves and trusts there when he sees his mum will make him feel safer. You could also try to highlight how serious it really is, and try to (gently) get him talking about it, because once he starts talking, he might be able to accept what's going on and then be able to see her. Anyone I've ever spoken to about this has said that it's a very normal male reaction to close themselves off and deny it's happening - not that it makes it any easier. I'm really sorry this is so tough on you as well as your boyfriend x

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