Cancer Research UK main site

Grandmother's diagnosis

jlc96
Offline

Hi, apologies if this is long. I am struggling with words right now and never thought I'd be joining a forum like this. 

My name is Jade, I'm 21 and my 73y/o nana ( grandmother) was diagnosed with uterine cancer yesterday.

To go back many years, I lived with my nana alone from the age of 5 to 13 where she was my sole guardian, then upon a family move, my mum, auntie and uncle came to live with us for many reasons.

My family have had many struggles too deep to go into detail, but mainly my mother and auntie both have significant learning disabilities and mental health difficulties which they have struggles with since birth but more so in the more recent years so my nana and I have been their carers so to speak,until I moved out in which case my nana has been dealing with everything. My uncle lives with them but works everyday and is hardly ever in. 

The diagnosis is a shock and I don't know how my small family will cope. My mother and aunties disabilities make it difficult for them to process feelings and thoughts and I am worried about how they will manage what my nana usually does for them - cooking,cleaning, bills , money literally everything but persoanl matters they need help with. My uncle is emotionless and will be of no support and I am at work 12 hours everyday. 

I am unaware of help out there for such a situation and I am in despair because my nana is basically the only true support I have. She is my parent and lifeline and I don't know what to say because when and however i lose her, I won't be me amymore. 

  • Offline

     

    Hi Jade,

    No young person should have to cope with so much.

    I am so sorry to hear about your nana’s diagnosis of uterine cancer. To have done so much for you and her two daughters, she sounds like a very special person.  Having been brought up by her, this is more akin to you just discovering that your mum has been given this desperate news. Do you know what stage her cancer is and, have they discussed any treatment plan with her yet?

    Instead of thinking about losing her or how you’ll cope in the long run, try not to look at the bigger picture. It is just too daunting to contemplate. Instead try to take things day by day. How is your nana’s general  health? Try to take things in bite sized pieces at the moment. Just deal with things on a day to day basis. Try to help with cooking, cleaning, paperwork, etc, to take some of the strain off your nana.

    Do you know that you might be able to get carer’s allowance for your mum and your aunt?  This is not means tested, but might be helpful for you, if your nana is not already receiving it. Your local Citizens’ Advice Bureau should be able to help you with this.

    If you gradually take over the responsibility for running the house while you’ve got your nana there to guide you, you should find this easier than being shoved in at the deep end later on. We all panic when something like this happens, yet, when faced with it head on, we seem to cope admirably.

    If your nana is still well enough to get about, try making memories with her, spend time talking to her. You will find that it is much easier for both of you to cope if you have a positive attitude and treat every day as a special day.

    Have you considered getting counselling? Many charities, like Maggies, the Haven or MacMillan offer counselling services and financial services free of charge. I’m sure that if you asked your nana’s nurse, she could point you in the right direction.

    It must be difficult when you feel that your mum and aunt cannot really process what is happening. It might be worth getting in touch with the Social Work department to see if they could help, by arranging for someone to come in whilst you are at work. Do you live and work close by? It is too much for someone of your age to have to deal with this all alone. You are already working long hours, so please try to set contingencies in motion now.

    I lost my mum to cancer in her brain, bones, liver, lungs and breast. Like you, I had other family responsibilities, which I had to take on. It is 20 years this year since she died and I am still coping with these responsibilities, but I am managing. It has been a struggle at times, I cannot deny this, but please accept any help that you can get.

    Please keep in touch and let us know how you and you nana get on. We are always here for you whether you need support, advice or information.

    Kind regards,

    Jolamine xx

  • Offline

    Hi jade ... can’t add any more to the wonderful advice from jolomine ... try to put her words into things that may lighten your load a little. .....but just wanted to say hi .. and my heart goes out to you being so young and having so much on your shoulders, bless ya ... you are one amazing young lady .... wer always here if you need a shoulder to lean on ... take care Chrisie ️ Xx

  • Offline in reply to Jolamine

    Hi Jolamine,

    Thankyou for your kind andd honest reply. I ahve been at work all week and so have not seen her since we got the news. I am afraid to go and see her because I dont feel like Ive even processed the news yet, Ive put it to one side as though it isnt happening. 

    She is a very special person. With my mother having disabilities which resulted in her not being able to raise me at all, my nana is my world. She is the only family I feel I have; even though I physically have my mother, auntie and uncle, for many reasons it is hard to connect with them and see them as family.

    As of now there is  no plan. A hysterectomy has been discussed as well as chemo, however my nanas health is not that great. She has a pacemaker and blood clotting problems alongside a long list of other minor aligments such as severe arthritis and IBS that all add up. She takes alot of medication and doesnt feel great alot anyway without this. Therefore, they are unsure she will be up to an operation or chemotherapy. More tests need to be scheduled first which she is waiting for sometime soon. She will be at a hospital in Manchester and I know they are fantastic. 

    One thing I did forget to mention is that she has already had a few blasts of radiotherapy for a skin cancer which she had about 2-3 years ago now. That went well although she has been left with some horrible side effects that dont help with her health. 

    As I do not live with her it is hard to help with anything other than bills and banking which I already help with and have done for many years. She does all the cooking and can just about wash herself and get upstairs to the toilet, although she does have a commode downstairs for when her arthritis is bad. My mother and auntie help with the cleaning when they can be bothered; they often dont like to help or get angry when asked, which is part of their disability. They themselves arent well alot and suffer from severe depression and anxiety alongide their disabilities so its hard to get across to them alot. The house is generally a mess, when I lived there I would do all the cleaning but since I left its not so good. 

    I have thought about looking into some sort of support and help for them all before. When I went to university they really struggled to sort out any paperwork etc  as I would usually do it all so now I feel it is even more imperative to get something in place. 

    The large problem is that there is no money. My nana gets her state pension and housing benefit for her rent. My auntie and mother get their relavent disability benefits as they are completely unable to work for cognitive reasons and also housing benefit towards the rent also. There is just enough to cover rent , food, bills etc before any luxuries and they have 0 savings. I need to research our local social services and support networks, but once again work and childcare get in the way so I need to work around this. 

    It is all abit crazy and Im really scared. But we have to get there. xx Thank you again 

  • Offline in reply to Chriss

    Hi Chriss, Thank you for your kind reply. 

    This forum seems like a great light to either release or help others which is lovely and heartbreaking at the same time to know others have to face the unavoidable pain. So thank you xx

  • Offline in reply to jlc96

    Hi there ...please phone mcmillan help line as they have someonever who can advise what benefits she can apply for ... I'm pritty sure she could get carers allowance... but give them a ring hunny ... be thinking of you ... your a little angel ... chrisie xx

Speak to a nurse

Quick links

Follow us

Registered with Fundraising Regulator (logo)
Cancer Research UK is a registered charity in England and Wales (1089464), Scotland (SC041666), the Isle of Man (1103) and Jersey (247). A company limited by guarantee. Registered company in England and Wales (4325234) and the Isle of Man (5713F). Registered address: 2 Redman Place, London, E20 1JQ.