Hi Shazza,

A warm welcome to Cancer Chat, although I’m sure that you would rather be anywhere else but here. I am so sorry to hear about your partner’s latest secondary cancer diagnosis. When did she receive this news?

This is what most of us dread, yet so many of us have to face eventually. Do you know what type of breast cancer she has, how long she has had it for, what treatment she has had for it so far and are her care team able to give her any further treatment?

She probably feels as if her world has come crashing down around her, poor girl and I can fully understand how she feels about not wanting to go out if her back is so sore. Would she consider using a walking aid of some sort?  I have had 3 bouts of breast cancer and have terrible back pain.

Over the 7 years since I was diagnosed, I have tried everything possible to relieve the pain to no avail. I now use a wheeled walker with a sturdy seat – not the way I want to get around, but I had to swallow my pride and accept this if I want to get out at all. The seat allows me to sit when I need to, which is pretty frequently.

I also use a mobility scooter for longer journeys. At first I was like your partner. I was in shock from the diagnosis and then became quite depressed about it all. I had to eventually take some mild anti-depressant tablets, which have helped me greatly. If you feel that this is a problem for your partner, it might be worth speaking to her care team. If you can accompany her for this visit, it would be helpful if you are there to explain how she feels.

Another symptom I had, which made me want to stay at home was complete and utter exhaustion. I could nod off anywhere, which was totally unlike me. I am sure that your partner won’t like you going out with your friends on your own. Can I ask how long you’ve been together? She will probably feel that you should be keeping her company, if not looking after her. You say that you don’t do shopping on your own. My hubby has had to start doing this and is now coping quite well. The alternative to this would be for both of you to draw up a list for on-line shopping, which could be delivered to your home.

Unfortunately, cancer affects not just the patient, but her entire family and it put an end to many a good relationship. You need to be strong for her. It is helpful to discuss everything openly, so that both of you know exactly what is happening. Do you accompany her to all of her appointments? This can be very helpful for both of you.

You say that she won’t live life. This is probably because, in her heart of hearts, she feels that her life is over. If you can be strong enough and patient enough, she will hopefully begin to take a more positive slant on what is happening and be able to start going out again. Don’t be over ambitious to start with. Just take things in small steps, maybe just involving the two of you to start with. Why not try something like a theatre or cinema, where she wouldn’t have too much walking or standing to start with?

Have either of you called in to a Maggie's centre or the Haven? These are drop in centres where you can pop in for a cuppa and a chat any time. They offer advice, counselling, workshops, alternative therapies, seated yoga, walking groups,etc. All services are free, but you have to bok for some of them. I found these centres very useful, particularly with each diagnosis.

I do hope that things will improve for both of you with time.

I know that it’s not easy, but please stay in touch and let us know how you get on. We are always here for you whenever you want to talk.

Kind regards,

Jolamine