Hi Artur,

A warm welcome to Cancer Chat.

I am so sorry to hear that you have to go through this at only 17. This is a heart-breaking disease and it affects one’s family as much as it does the individual person. I lost my mum to metastases from breast cancer 20 years ago and I still miss her. She had it for 12 years but, in the latter stages, she had it in her liver, lungs, brain and bones. It was harrowing to see how quickly she deteriorated at that stage.

It is particularly upsetting when your dad no longer recognizes you or your mum. This is usually because his medication is being stepped up to relieve pain. If you can look at it in this way you might find it easier to accept.

There is no easy way to prepare for death. It sounds as if your dad is near to the end. Spend as much time as you can with him. Keep talking to him, so that he knows that you are there. Hearing is one of the last senses to go, so, even if someone appears unconscious, they can sometimes still hear.

We all cope with grief in different ways, but don’t expect to bounce back too quickly. It is ok to cry, in fact it is therapeutic and, you will often feel better after a good cry. Are you your parents’ only sibling? Your mum will be upset too. I have lost a brother at 24, both my parents and many other relatives. I have always found it best to talk about the loved one we’ve lost. This has helped us all as a family to come to terms with our loss. I keep a photo of my mum in pride of place and often feel as if she is with me in spirit. Others cannot speak about a loved one and some cannot even look at a photo for quite some time.

When the end does come, you will be tied up with funeral arrangements and then the funeral. You get through this by automatic pilot. It is after this, when your time is no longer taken up with hospital visits, that you begin to really feel your loss. I consoled myself that my mum was no longer in pain and suffering so much after she died. I still miss her to this day, but it has become easier to accept her passing as the years have gone by.

The first year is the hardest, because there are so many anniversaries and public holidays, when your loved one would have been with you and, suddenly you feel that there is someone missing at the table. I was at university when my mum died. I had 2 young children, who missed her sorely and I was working full time. She was delighted when I started university and I felt that I had to make her proud and continue with my studies. It would have been so easy to give up at that stage, but I persevered and graduated a year later.

 You are coming up to a big crossroads in your life too. I hope that your studies haven’t suffered because of your dad’s illness. Try your best to attain in life all that your dad would have wanted you to. The last thing that he would want is to see you fail to attain all you can, just because he is no longer around.

I am afraid that you are going to have to grow up fast, to become the man of the house. This is a lot to put on your young shoulders. Do you have other family members or friends who you can talk to or confide in? It can be helpful at times to have someone outside the immediate family home to talk to. How is your mum bearing up in all this? Have you thought about seeing a counsellor? I am sure that your dad’s care team or your GP could put you in touch with someone. This is not for everyone, but some find it really helpful.

I am thinking of and praying for you all at this difficult time. Don’t look too far ahead. Just take it one day at a time and gradually life will seem more worthwhile again.

Please keep in touch and let us know how things go with your dad. We are always here for you and your mum whenever you feel like talking or need support.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Hi there ... just wanted to send you a big hug at this time ... jolomine has given you some wonderful advice ... so just to say lots of us have been where you are now, and we all feel for you ... hold on hunny ..... thinking of you ... Chrisie xx ️