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Cancer, visitor anger and relationships...

Amy5
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Hi,

I’m wondering if anyone has any advice or is going though a similar situation.

My beloved mother is 66 and is in the final stage of her life after battling with primary lung cancer that has since  spread to her lymph nodes, bowel and bones. She was diagnosed last year. 

She chose to leave the hospice so we are now caring for her at home - I haven’t been at work for about five weeks now. There is no available care in our area so other than the (incredible) support from Marie Curie nurses and our district nurses, the immediate family are on our own.

It’s agony watching someone you are so close to and love so much deteriorate in front of your eyes.

There are two things I am really struggling with though and wondered if anyone else had the same issue.

The first is visitors. The family home can be so busy with visitors - both family and friends - that at times it feels like a petting zoo. Some of my mother’s family live in Glasgow (we are up north in Aberdeenshire) and when they visit, they stay over. I know they mean well but I find it infuriating that we have to host, to cook, to put down clean bedding and provide endless cups of tea and coffee and paint on brave smiles, and all the while it feels like they are robbing us of any quality time with my mother. When they leave, she’s absolutely exhausted and either sleeps or becomes irritable with us for doing her medicine or all the other things that need to be done. I’m aware my mother doesn’t have long left at all, weeks, possibly days, and all I want to do is be able to cry or sit with her....I’m rambling now.

It’s also having a huge impact on my relationship with my fiancé. We were due to get married on 30/09/17 but postponed the wedding as there was no way my mother would have managed it. I feel like I am taking all my anger out on him, but to myself, in my head if that makes sense. I don’t ever lash out at him but I do go quiet and moody and then he either treads on eggshells round me or smothers me with hugs and I just want to scream at him to leave me alone. 

I feel like I’m a completely different person now, I sometimes feel like I don’t even want to get married....but I know if I were to talk to him about how I feel, he’d be completely crushed. 

 

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    Hi Amy,

    We had similar issues during my Mum's final weeks of life and in the end my Dad was brutally honest with people and said he only wanted close family to visit (he literally slammed the door in the faces of some of her friends who ignored this request) and even close family were told to stay elsewhere in a B&B when visiting.

    People mean well, but they don't realise how hard it is to care for someone at home 24/7 under these circumstances. Especially difficult with relatives who lived far away and remembered how Mum had been a few months ago and expected "normal service" when they visited despite being told by phone how damned difficult and sad things had become.

    Your fiancé sounds great - if he loves you he'll support you through this without smothering you with hugs and help you slowly recover when your Mum finally dies. 

    Best wishes

    Dave

     

  • Offline

    Hi there Amy ... I think your being pretty hard on yourself ... this is probably one of the hardest things , you’ll ever have to go through ... you need a closed for lunch sign ... I can imagine how cheated you feel , just wanting time with mum ... I’d not been as polite my hunny .. 

    the only thing I would add, is try to see how your fiancé feels, bless him, your so lucky to have such a kind hearted man with you... when I lost my mum and saw my husband shortly after he just said to me “everyone has to die, sometime” less to say he was my ex shortly after ...so hold on to him, he will be your shoulder and keep you holding on after ... I’d have given anything for my ex to have been like him ... I bet if you tell him how you feel, kindly ... you will look back and realise how much he meant .. he’s probably finding it so hard seeing you try to take all this on your shoulders ..

    thinking of you ... hold on in there ... big hug Chrisie xx ️

     

  • Offline in reply to davek

    Thank you so much - it even just helps to read that other people feel the same / went through the same in these awful situations. 

     

    Thank you for the advice.

    Also, may I just say Dave how incredibly brave and inspiring you are, to have gone through so much (I read a lot of your posts yesterday!) 

     

    All the very best and thank you again 

     

    Amy x

  • Offline in reply to Chriss

    Thank you ever so much for taking her time to reply.

     

    So very kind of you and I really do appreciate the advice.

     

    I am also incredibly sorry for the situation you had with you now ex - how awful when you had to go through such a sad and stressful time. 

    Hugs back, thank you again xx

     

     

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