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Angry sister just diagnosed with breast cancer

RoseBee
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I come from a big family. My eldest sister has just been diagnosed with breast cancer and she has sworn me and one of our siblings to secrecy. I have no problem with this but I am finding that her breast cancer diagnosis is making her very angry with me. I am in her eyes to blame for everything that has gone wrong in her life. While I am being sympathetic to her I am also finding it difficult to be her proverbial 'whipping boy'. We have already lost mum this year to cancer (a different form) and our sister (another different form) some years previously. Please advise me how to cope as I don't know what to do. I can't do right for doing wrong! 

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    Hi rose ... so sorry your going through such a hard time , losing loved ones and then your sister starting her journey too must feel overwhelming, bless ya ... all I can think is this diagnosis plays with your head ... and every emotion goes through our heads ... I wonder if she is feeling more venerable and is feeling like her turn is here , and wondering if she'll get through it ....  and it's making her lash out at someone close that is you .. was she like this befor ... if she wasn't then it could be she has no control , she's probably really angry at this journey she finds herself on ... 

    maybe if you can get her when she's not angry , you could tell her it's hurting you and you want to walk this path with her ... but to stop hurting you in the process... or if your strong enough , let it go over your head and know it's prob the 'cancer' talking ... if she's still angry at you , tell her you'll stand back , but if she does need you , you'll be there ... just a thought ...take care of your heart and be kind to yourself... and know your prob still grieving your self ... sending you a big hug ... Chrisie X

  • Offline in reply to Chriss
    Hi Chriss. Thanks for your reply and your advice. I honestly feel so mean complaining about my sister considering what she is currently going through. She has been in particularly foul form this year but I put it down to grief at losing mum. She told me yesterday that the medical team had told her that it was due to the cancer working in her that had caused her fiery outbursts. It's difficult as we both work in the same environment as well as being sisters. I don't intend falling out with her about her lashing out. I just wish it wasn't me all the time. She and I have always got on fairly well and have got closer since the passing of both my other sister and mum. My only way of coping with her anger is by giving her time to cool off after she has lashed out at me and then texting her to check that she is ok. I always apologise for annoying her even though deep down I know that I have done nothing wrong. Sorry Chriss as you can tell I am all over the place right now.
  • Offline in reply to RoseBee

    Hi there ... it really is heart renching to try to help someone and get hurt so badly in return ... this is only my opinion and I'm no expert ... but no matter what we go through with cancer , does not give us the right to hurt someone who's trying to help .. it may be the reason , but it does not excuse the behaviour.. and bless ya , you saying sorry when it's you who is hurting to ... you may not have cancer , but it's taken your loved ones away ... and it's effected you as much ...maybe she needs time to realise she is so lucky , you holding her hand ... and wanting to walk this path with her...

    this cancer takes away so much from us ... it knows no bounds in ripping hearts out ... I just hope you both find a way of walking this path , together, with love ... no matter how hard you try , your sister needs to stop letting this cancer come between you . Maybe she needs to talk to someone .. a help line on here or McMillan maybe able to help her , but she has to reach out . if she can , it's like giving cancer a kick back ... and not letting it change the person she was befor ... keep in touch .. hold on in there Chrisie Xx

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    Hi RoseBee,

    Family relationships are always hard - especially when they hit a rocky patch. Has your sister always used you as her whipping boy? If she has, she needs to grow up and you need to stop apologising to her for her behaviour. This is typical of an abusive relationship - no-one should be expected to tolerate this sort of behaviour. 

    Having cancer doesn't make any of us saints, heroes or ogres, but it can lead us to exagerrating our behaviours, good or bad. Your sister has been through a lot, but so have you. 

    Giving her time to cool off is a good idea, but maybe it is time for her to start texting you afterwards to check whether you are OK? 

    Good luck!
    Dave

  • Offline in reply to Chriss
    Hi again Chriss. I decided to try a different tack today with my sister. I knew she had a hospital appointment today so I texted her to wish her all the best. I decided that instead of calling her as soon as I finished work I would wait and text her after I got home, had my dinner etc. I did that and she was upbeat in her text back to me that her appointment had gone ok. I deliberately opted not to ring her in a mad kind of way to protect myself that she wouldn't literally be able to berate me verbally over the phone. I think maybe that I will check in with her via text every day. My sister only ever rings me if she's looking something of me so I know if I don't literally call her yet still keep in touch via text that I won't be berated anymore on the phone. As for work she is very guarded there so I don't fear running into her there. Sorry if this post is confusing to read, it is as clear as mud to me!
  • Offline in reply to davek

    Hi Dave. Thanks for your reply. I am embarrassed to admit that I have been her 'whipping boy' for quite some time. I also must admit that I facilitated this by allowing it to continue by never challenging her about it as I don't like and never have liked confrontation of any kind. Like I posted to Chriss I am going to rely on text messages to keep in touch with her to see if that can wean her off what she has been doing or wean me off allowing her to do it, if you get my drift. Thanks again for your post. 

  • Offline in reply to RoseBee

    Bless ya ... clear as mud ... did make me chuckle... yes I know what you mean ... sometimes stepping back a pace or two , gives them space to come forward ... you done good .. think she may keep you in the loop more coz she doesn't feel pressured ... hope I'm right ... keep in touch ... you braveheart you ... big hug Chrisie Xx

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