Hi Ir,

Welcome to Cancer Chat,

I am sorry to hear about your worries over your Mum. Have the doctors referred your Mum for further tests yet? This is the best way to diagnose cancer.

I hope that the doctors are wrong and that it is not cancer. It is always a scary time waiting for tests and then for results.

You are jumping the gun at present. There is time enough to worry, if she gets a cancer diagnosis. My Mum died of secondary breast cancer 20 years ago. I have had primary Breast cancer for the past 7 years. I was diagnosed with a second bout 6 years ago and I am still here to tell the tale. I find a huge difference in the type of treatment my Mum received to that which I have had. Cancer is not necessarily the death sentence that it used to be. Many people are now living fulfilling lives despite having it.

I am so sorry to hear that you lot your Nan last year. Did you lose your her to cancer?

Please keep in touch and let us know how things go. We are always here for you whenever you feel like talking.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Hi Jolamine, 

thank you for your reply. She has to got to the hospital for some tests (biopsy and another X-ray) they are calling her today to arrange this. I understand that I’m jumping the gun but it’s hard not to when my mum is thinking the worst herself. I am positive around her and do not cry, for her sake. She has smoked all her life, this is what makes me think the worst. 

My Nan did not die from cancer, it was sudden (in minutes) because of a Pulmonary Embolism. She was the first person I have lost in my life and it hit me so hard. So I guess my problem is now, if the worst does happen, how will I cope? I know this outlook is very selfish but it’s scary. And she has said that if it isn’t cancer she is going to carry on smoking becuase ‘the damage is done’. Obviously I told her that was ridiculous and not true but she won’t listen. 

I am glad to hear you’re well and keep fighting. 

Hi Ir,

Your Mum sounds like my own Mum. One very determined lady.

Mum too was a heavy smoker, who had given up for the last 3 years of her life. She was diagnosed with primary breast cancer and survived for 12 years after that, before she was told that she had secondary cancer in her final year. It had metastasised in her liver, lungs, brain and bones and it was heartbreaking and harrowing to watch her deteriorate so quickly after that.

Instead of jumping the gun, you should be busy trying to reassure your Mum that all will be ok, that you will be by her side if this turns out to be her cancer journey. Let her know how much you love her and how much you need her to stay and how you will fight this with her. Losing a loved one is always a traumatic event, as you have discovered with your Gran.

Losing your Mum is more than that. You are losing the one person who has been there for you throughout your entire life. The person who you knew you could turn to for anything and she would always be there for you.

She is probably terrified of dying herself. Have you talked this over with her to see if you can help to make her parting easier? It is so much better to make the most of each and every day she has left to make precious memories.

Instead of 'what if' and 'how will I cope'? think positively, and ask 'what can I do for Mum?' There is time enough to grieve when she has gone, for now life is precious. Have you asked her whether there is anyone that she might like to see or anywhere she might like to go whilst she is still able to? Have you made her as comfortable as you can?

How does she pass her days and is there anything that you can do to enhance her days? Does she like music or reading? Perhaps you could download some music for her, or if she is finding books too heavy to hold, you could read to her? Her concentration may not be too good, if she is on a lot of medication, but, if this is so, then just read for a short while, but do it regularly. Is she in any pain? If so, contact her care team and seet hat this is addressed. There are many small things that you can do to help her transition.

However, these are still 'what ifs', you don't know yet exactly what you are dealing with. There are different types of cancers and different stages of the disease. Until you know what stage she has, you won't know her prognosis. People can live with cancer for years, or they can leave us quite quickly. Once she has had more tests you will get to know exactly what you are dealing with.

If the inevitable eventually comes to pass, you will cope, simply because you have to. You don't have a choice.  Sorry, this sounds  brutal, but it's true. This is when you grow up in the wider sense. It is difficult to take all of this in at your tender age. You no doubt feel angry, because you rightly expected her to live for many years yet. She may well do, but, if she has a positive diagnosis, there will always be that 'sword of Damacles' hanging over her, making you all wonder when things are likely to spread.

Your Mum is still young. It won't be long now until you know exactly what you are dealing with and in some ways it becomes easier once you know exactly what you are dealing with. Once she starts treatment, you will both feel more positive about things. Don't worry about her smoking just now. There are more important problems to deal with.  I am sure that her care team will probably encourage her to stop, but at the end of the day, it has to be her decision.

I am so sorry that your Gran was taken from you all so suddenly. As time passes you will lose other loved ones and you learn to come to terms with this. It is something we all have to do. It is just a pity that this has come so early in your life.

Would you consider seeing a counsellor? This is not for everyone, but some people find it a great help. They can suggest coping strategies which you might find helpful. Your Mum's care team should be able to put you in touch with one of the charities who offer these services. If not, your GP should also be able to suggest someone. Do you have any family or friends who you can confide in?

Please let us know how her hospital consultation goes. We are always here for you whenever you want to talk.

I am thinking of and praying for you both.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx