Hi there ... you sound like you have a wonderful heart and it touched mine to here how caring you are ... you put down your feelings from the heart ..  it's just my opinion as every one is different and what's right for one may be wrong for another ... so this is just me talking  ...

I'm 6 weeks post masectomy and this is the first time I've shared my feelings as I've had lots of negative results where I didn't want to worry those I love ... my beautiful niece and my son found out as I was at my sons when Dr wanted me that day for results and when I went to see hospital surgeon my niece happened to be working on ward ... 

I'm so happy they were there and when all close family knew , every one of them held my hand (Inc daughter in law) I really let them in and I got huge strength with hugs /love /ups and downs and lots of laughter ... looking back I can't believe how strong I felt ...

But opening up at first is so hard with everyone trying to be strong and not wanting others to see lows ...the only thing I can suggest is to sit with him and hold his hand and say "I'm here and I want to share all the journey with you ... I need to feel included ... I'll listen to your fears and I'll tell you mine ... i will cry with you and talk and if you let me on this journey,  we can get through it whatever the future holds, to gether ... so when your ready to let me in , I'll be waiting" .... that is what I would like to here if I was him ...it is sure a roller coaster like people say , and it will be a tough ride sometimes but with love and patience you will come out of it closer .... the one thing I was determined to do was not loose who I am ... I wouldn't let cancer change my wicked sense of humour ... even in the hospital ward we found something to make us all laugh ... the old lady in the bed opposite sang I'm forever blowing bubbles ... so if I could give you one thing it would be the gift of laughter when all around is so hard to take ...

If you'd like to private message me , I would love to listen to all your worries , I look on here most days .. so sending you a big hug xx

Hi Chriss, 

I so appreciate you replying, and even more so sharing your experiences. I'm heartened to hear that your closest family was able to support you with such love and that it did indeed give you strength.  I am awed (as I have been so many times already reading here) at the kindness you're offering by sharing your feelings and hope that you take heart knowing how helpful even just a few words feel right now. 

I would really like to send you a message if you don't mind - I have sent you a friend request. 

Thank you.  Xx

Hi,

This is a personal viewpoint on what was a heartbreaking three year journey for my husband,me and the family in general.  I joined the forum because my husband did not wish to talk about how he was feeling, I did not have a clue as to what support to offer as knew I could not make him feel better (sadly his diagnosis was terminal from first diagnosis).

After a lot of soul searching, chatting openly on the forum and to close friends who had cancer either themselves or in the family (as well as to my hubby's wonderful consultant and her team) the best bit of advice I was given overall was to let my husband 'be himself' and allow him to deal with his life (however long that might prove to be) how he wanted to and not to presume to  know how that should be.  My love and respect never waivered though my frustrations often came to boiling point (I soon learnt to deal with my emotions in private and my forum buddies gave me support that I can never thank them enough for). This forum was a lifeline for me and my hubby was aware I spoke openly here and did appreciate that I needed somewhere to offload.  I shared viewpoints with him  when they helped him as regards diet/anti sickness etc whilst he was undergoing palliative chemo and like to think in some small way I was able to offer him the support he needed in the way he could accept it.

I wish you the inner strength you need to move forward through the coming journey for you both.

Jules54

Hi Jules, 

Thank you so much for taking the time out to reply to me. I'm truly astounded by the kindness offered here at Cancer Chat. Already both you and Chriss have eased the chest-closing -in muddle of emotions for me. 

I actually read quite a few of your posts before I posted and felt like you may have had a similar experience to what I am about to face. I'm dreadfully sorry for the loss of your hubby and so grateful that you share your experience and help lighten the load for others. 

We have been together in some capacity for half my life (I am not yet 30 and he's not far past), and while my biggest and only pressing concern is to ease the difficulty for him, i am also terribly afraid of losing him. It is a very real prospect though, and while I understand that positivity and hope are important,  I can't help but be logical - I always am. 

This is my first real experience with cancer (i have been incredibly lucky i suppose ) as he pushed me away the first time around, and I was too afraid to stop him. 

He doesn't like to talk about it. He's not in denial, but he's a 'just get on with it' kind of man and he'd rather pretend to be okay for as long as possible I guess. I respect that choice and admire him for it, but I can't help thinking that he's trying to protect us - myself and his family, and will suffer for it in time. 

I am lacking in specifics as past the initial diagnosis he has closed up, but I am aware that unless he's one of the lucky few who escape statistics, it's going to be a fight to see his next birthday. 

I'm trying to do exactly as you say (and as Chriss implied as well) - and letting him be himself and choose how to handle his own emotions. As you say, I doubt there is anything I can do to make it better, I just desperately want to find small ways to make it easier for him. 

I had my first hard day the day that I posted this thread. He came home from work 4 hours early and tried to justify it with all manner of excuses that did not involve his health, but I could see how unwell he was. He's exhausted already, and in pain (god i wish I could take it away), and that huge appetite has disappeared. It amazes me how much weight can be lost in such a short time ... anyway, I played along, happy that we could have the afternoon together. We laughed and joked and danced around the kitchen as usual. Then I got in the car and was sobbing before I'd turned off the street. 

(I think this might be a key part of 'helping ' abd that maybe I should get used to crying in the car). 

There has to be some way to help without demeaning him or making him uncomfortable . If I could trade places, i would. 

I apologize for ranting away, and thank you  (both) again. Xx - T

Hi,

There is definitely a feeling of understanding which I gained from joining the forum.  There is also no need to apologise for letting of steam or airing your emotions here as it is probably the most necessary evil in order to 'outwardly manage' the emotional rollercoaster we can find ourselves on.

You are roughly the age my children were at the time of my hubby's diagnosis so we were mutually supportive and think it helps enormously if you have support too (though sometimes it is hard to ask for it!).

If you have specific questions relating the illness/treatment it could be a good idea to mention the kind of cancer involved (perhaps in the title of a thread) as then others here may come along in support who have specific understanding.

Overall the only way my hubby could manage his own emotions was by concentrating on what he could do and not talking about the 'other stuff' (his words).  Not in denial just being practical and with the benefit of hindsight he was still trying to protect me and the family and I would not have wanted to take that away from him.  We all process information and feelings differently and I am pretty sure there is no right or wrong way of offering support but the 'taking it day to day'  was a bit of advice I took on board. Take care of  yoruself too.   Jules