Probably best to leave him. You're blaming an ill, possibly dying man for you not having the life you desire. You've decided you don't love him. And I see no sympathy or empathy in your post.

If you stay you'll likely be unable to hide your resentment.

I'm sure there'll be people along shortly to comfort you and sympathise. I'll say no more, other than I wish you no ill.

Taff.

Hi Mao4,

I am sorry to hear what you are going through. You will find that there are plenty of others here who also have lung cancer, yet have never smoked a day in their lives.

Cancer doesn't just affect the patient but the entire family. At first we lash out against it in all directions and, it can be very hard on partners. It is difficult to accept it, but this does come with the passage of time.

I wish you all peace and the strength to deal with what has been landed on you.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Hi Jolamine

Hope you are well.

I just wanted to update you, we had a wonderful family Christmas but between Christmas and New Year we lost my Brother unexpectidly whilst he was on a cruise in the Caribbean, came as a shock to us all. In early Jan Pete my Husband caught a mild dose of Pnuemonia which had him in hospital. He recovered well from that and we booked a family holiday to Florida and the Caribbean which we went on in early Feb and made some wonderful memories. A week after we returned Pete took a turn for the worse and was admitted into hospital with another infection, unfortuanately he didn't recover from this one and on 6th March my wonderful man lost his brave fight to this awful disease, unfortunately I wasn't with him during his last hours as I was at my Brothers funeral. This has been tough for me to deal with as he always asked me to be there, but people have told me since that maybe he changed his mind and didn't want me to have that lasting memory of him. I so hope that is true.He wasn't alone his Sister, who is a nurse was with him and his youngest Son.

So now I begin the ever so long and tough journey of learning to live without the love of my life, I have great support from family and friends but the missing Pete so very much, the heartache is like nothing I've ever experienced before. The cancer journey is something I'm not sure I'll ever get over both physically and mentally, I glad the Pete is no longer suffering with what it does to you but would give anything to still have him here and be living our wonderful life together.

Thank you for your kind words in the past, they meant alot.

Take care

Lisa xx

Hi Lisah,

Thank you for the update. I am sorry that I have been so lax in keeping in touch recently. I lost the sight in my eyes almost completely at the end of the year and have only recently had a laser op to restore it. This prevented me from communicating much on the forum, but I'm glad to say that I am now back to normal.

The day before my op, my husband was admitted to hospital and diagnosed with heart failure. He has already had a stent inserted and had a quadruple by-pass 10 years ago. His condition is inoperable and we are trying to stabilize him with medication.

What a terrible time you've had. I am so sorry to hear about your brother and your husband and offer my sincere sympathy for both losses. You say that your brother's death was unexpected. Did he have any underlying health problems or was this totally out of the blue? It must have been particularly hard to lose the two of them so close together.

I am sure that you will chastise yourself forever for not been there with your husband at the end. The same happened with me when I lost my mum to cancer. I had been telling my brothers that I was going to stay with her overnight in the hospice, because I could see the signs that the end was near. One of my brothers didn't believe this, so we went outside to discuss it. We were standing outside her bedroom window at the hospice when she passed. 

Many people seem to find a small window like this to leave us. You were there when your husband needed you most, so you have nothing to torture yourself about. I am glad to hear that you managed to get away to Florida and the Caribbean in Feburary and that you made it home before Pete had another turn and had to be hospitalized. Between this and your other holidays, you should have managed to make some good memories, which I hope will stay with you. As time passes your image of him at the end should fade, allowing you to remember him how he was in happier times.

You have a difficult path ahead of you. You will probably have found that your grief started when he was diagnosed. It takes some people longer than others to overcome grief. Just take things bit by bit, one day at a time. I am glad to hear that you have had good support from family and friends. Don't refuse any offers of help or companionsip.

A dear aunt of mine said something to me at mum's funeral, which I think was very pertinent. She said 'don't grieve for the person you've lost, Instead rejoice in the good times you had together'. I hope that eventually, you'll be able to do this too.

Thinking of you and please remember that we are always here for you.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Hi, I’m new to this site.. my mum is awaiting results from CT as she has a mass on her lung.. I’m terrified and not sure what to expect.. I was just wondering how you and your husband are doing? Any tips you can give etc.. i just don’t know where to turn.. my mum is so private and won’t talk about it.. 

diddy. X

Hi Diddy.

A very warm welcome to Cancer Chat.

I am sorry to tell you that Lisah has had a difficult start to 2018. She lost her brother unexpectedly whilst he was on a cruise in the Caribbean between Christmas and New Year and then her husband, Pete, sadly succumbed to an infection and died on 6th March.

It sounds as if you are facing a very anxious time at the moment. This is not unusual, because we all need to wait for the results of all the necessary tests before we can move forward. A lot depends on the staging for cancer. It is usually staged from 1-4 with stage 4 being the worst. I nursed my mum with breast cancer for 12 years. In her final years she developed metastases in her brain, bones, lungs and liver. It was heartbreaking to see how quickly she deteriorated after this.

You need to be strong and positive for your mum, which is not always easy. It is a pity that your mum cannot open up to you and talk about her diagnosis, as this is not only helpful for her, but also for the rest of the family. Can someone attend her appointments with her? This might help your mum to remember what has been said. Also, if the result of her scan is bad news, there is always someone there for her. This is also a good way to know exactly what is wrong with her without having to ask.

It can be helpful to draw up a list of questions before each appointment. If you take 2 copies of this to your appointment, your mum can ask the questions, whilst her companion writes down the answers, as she will only retain a small amount of what is said at a consultation. Keep her comfortable and do  whatever you can with her within her health limitations. It is so much better to try and make memories together, rather than dwelling on the bigger picture. Instead of doing this, try to take things day by day or even hour by hour if need be. Are there any places that your mum might like to visit or any people that she might want to see?

Try to ensure that she is eating and drinking enough. Try to make small tempting meals. Keep an eye on her pain levels and let her care team know if she needs stronger medication. Many people feel frustrated at this stage because they feel that there is so little that they can do, but this is not the case. Just by being there for her you are doing a lot. She may get progressively sleepier. Let her sleep, but talk to her in her wakeful moments and let her know how much you love her.

I hope that, in time your mum will share her diagnosis with you. Many people have a fear of the unknown and a fear of death and it is often good to be able to talk about things and dispel rumors.

I hope that she gets her scan results soon and that it is not too advanced. Please keep in touch and let us know how things go. We are always here for you.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Trying to make sense of a diagnosis that is not known to others yet. I have taken some comfort from the posts here and know that time will pass and so will this process but how do I get through the next 24 hours. The biopsy has been done and there is a complex case that will need immediate surgery and chemo but the outlook is not good. At the moment I cannot write too much as we have not had the official diagnosis but need to offload to face tomorrow. My husband is my life and all our dreams will remain just that now. I have been playing out our dreams in my head for the last 2months as we wait for a diagnosis and now that’s is where they will have to remain. Instead there are different paths to follow - but how do I get through the next 24 hours without breaking down.

Hi Boggit,

I am so sorry to hear of the position you find yourselves in with relation to your husband’s health. A cancer diagnosis is nearly always a shock and waiting for test results is always a scary time, especially when you are told that this is a complex case which will need immediate surgery.

I know exactly what you mean about having your dreams shattered. We have had similar devastating news. My hubby had stents put in and then a quadruple by-pass 10 years ago. He has done well until 6 weeks ago when he went for an ECG and, was kept in with a diagnosis of heart failure. There is no suitable surgical intervention for this. It is a case of finding suitable medication, which hasn’t been easy. I myself have had 2 bouts of breast cancer, the first 8 years ago and the second bout 7 years ago. I was just due to retire at the time and we had all sorts of plans, which we can never realize now.

We will just have to accept this and get on with life locally instead. Life-threatening health issues like these make us grateful for each new day and, we intend to make as much of them as we can. I hope that you and your husband can too.

It does get easier to cope with the enormity of all this once you know exactly what you are dealing with and, start surgery or treatment.

I hope that all goes well for you tomorrow and that you find the strength to cope with all that is going on.

Please stay in touch and let us know how you get on. We are always here for you.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx