Dear Flyinglikeabird,

Welcome to Cancer Chat. I am so sorry to hear about your Mum’s latest bad news. This must be very worrying for you when you are living in Berlin. Sadly ‘all clears’ don’t come with any guarantees and things can change very quickly.

As you rightly say, your Mum being a nurse, was probably fully aware of this, but didn’t want to worry the family any further. I am glad that both your parents managed to get out to see you in Berlin and that this helped to put your mind at rest.

It is a dangerous thing to search the Internet about her prognosis. You will usually hone in on the worst case scenario and terrify yourself for no reason. Our loved ones are seldom as bad as the cases you read about there.

What a pity that she was diagnosed so soon after you arrived in Germany. Are you an only child? I am sure that you must feel torn at the moment. Try not to dwell on the fact that your Mum may have limited time left on this earth and take things day by day. You can always phone her. I am sure that she will be delighted to hear from you. It’s always good to feel loved, if only from a distance. Please keep us informed of how she gets on and remember that there is always someone here if either of you feel like talking.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Thank you for your kind reply Jolamine :) It is really tough to hear the news after relocating to another country, but we talk everyday. At first, I would call and text a lot so that she knew I was thinking of her, but now it is for me also. It is a really helpless feeling. I have a younger sister who is at university in London, and she has aspergers and has difficultly talking about her feelings which is also tough. But I have to reach out to her more too. 

She is doing well so far, just feeling tired, but it is so early into the treatment.

I feel scared to ask questions, but I want to know everything. But everytime I go to talk about it, or even think about it, I just can't stop crying. The fear is paralysing, I am so proud of her for being so strong because honestly, I feel like a trainwreck inside and I'm not the one with this awful disease.

Thank you Jolamine,

E xx

Hello again,

I lost my own Mum to cancer several years ago, and I still miss her every day, She initially had breast cancer for 11 years, then developed metastases in brain,  breast, bone, liver and lungs. That last year was absolutely heart breaking having  to watch her deteriorate so quickly. I know just how hard it was to have to take a plane trip to see her every week and the financial drain that travelling was on my own family at the time (not that I would have had it any other way)..

Although I have brothers, I didn't have any support at the time except from my hubby. He was my rock, but when I travelled he had to stay at home to look after our two young children. You are fortunae that your Dad is at home and that he is willing to tend her needs. It must be very difficult for you to work out where your sister is with all that is happening.

Don't be afraid to ask questions. It will be easier for all the family if you can talk openly about everything that is happening. It sounds as if your Mum is bearing up incredibly well. Don't worry about crying so much. This is a good release valve and helps to reduce some of the stress that you are under. You probably also find that your emotions are all over the place, one moent anger, then desolation, fear, etc. Again this sort of reaction is perfectly normal. Most of us feel that we cannot cope when a loved one getst near the end of life, but it is amazing that we all seem to have strengths to draw on at times like this. These are often strengths that we didn't even know that we had.

I am sure that you will find your hidden depths too.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx