Hi WorriedSister,

You seem to have had a pretty rotten time over the past couple of years. I am so sorry to hear about your nephew. I lost my brother at 24 and I know how devastating that was. You now want to support your sister and that is commendable. I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2011 and had a lumpectomy. A year later I was diagnosed with another primary in the same breast and had a double mastectomy. I then developed bilateral Lymphoedema in both arms and hands.

I can only speak from my own experience. I was totally exhausted all the time and I cannot even blame radiotherapy or chemo, because I didn’t have either. I have always been a very positive person but I became depressed for the first time in my life and had to seek treatment. I was told not to lift anything heavy after surgery. I also sweated profusely – not just night sweats, but continual. If your sister has any of these problems there is plenty that her family can do to help her.

You can pop in and give her a helping hand with housework, ironing, lifting any heavy items or shopping.  Let her sleep if she is tired. I found that I didn’t sleep well at night. This was when my mind went into overdrive. However, I could sleep throughout the day and lost count of the number of TV programmes that I missed as a result. I would see the beginning of one programme then wake up to another an hour or two later. I could fall asleep anywhere – on a bus, train or plane or even in the middle of a conversation – extremely rude I know, but there was nothing I could do to stop it.

With three sisters in the family I’m sure that you have had many frank discussions in the past. Try to keep these channels open so that you can discuss any part of her cancer journey, although don’t dwell on this to the exclusion of more pleasant topics. Try to distract her from her prognosis by making memories together – going on various trips together, or even to a theatre or cinema. My husband did his best by taking me out to the theatre frequently, I think that I slept through most shows despite constant nudging, which upset him. However, this did reduce the time I had to spend on the Internet and on reflection, which was good. The evenings are the time when most of us have time for reflection and finding something to do at that time reduces the opportunity she has for nasty thoughts.

She will naturally be worried about leaving family behind and the stress she will cause them. Has she got all her papers in order? My hubby and I had made wills when we were first married. They were simple but cited my 97 year old father-in-law as executor. We updated this and made my son and daughter joint executors. We took out funeral plans and gave my adult children power of attorney for us. I know that this all sounds rather grim, but we felt better having done this. We now know that we are not going to be a financial burden to our children when we go.

Some people find a Chillo pillow useful if night sweats are a problem. I didn’t , and had to succumb to medication to offset this.

I have waffled on for long enough. It is time that I let someone else get a word in edgeways.

I know that it is difficult when you do not live close by, but I’m sure that some of these things are achievable between all the family members.

Another thing you can do is to ensure that someone always accompanies her to her appointments. We all tend to go to mush when face to face with members of our care team. We often forget to ask pertinent questions or don’t recall the answers given. It is helpful to draw up a list of questions with your sister prior to every consultation – involve other family members in this too, as they will often introduce different concerns than the patient. Give a copy of this list to whoever is accompanying her to hospital and get them to ensure that all questions are asked and that they write down the answers to them. This is helpful too because family can be kept right up to date with your sister’s cancer journey without her having to repeat everything over and over again.

Try not to dwell on the bigger picture. There is too much to take in. Just take things day by day and taper any activities to how your sister is feeling. Ask your sister if there is anything in particular she wants to do while she is still able to – some people draw up a bucket list at this stage.

I digress, remember that we are always here if any of the family want to talk.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx