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Mum won't get treatment.

pyx
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My mum is in her 60s and is currently in the process of getting a diagnosis. She has ascites and a very swollen stomach. They have done ultrasounds which were pretty inconclusive, a CT scan and today they did a CT scan and biopsy on fat cells in (I believe) her abdominal lining.

According to my consultant the abdominal cells looked like they could be 'sinister'. Basically she thinks she probably has cancer but isn't sure where - and I guess if they're looking in the abdomen walls they think it's spread.

She is supposed to have an endoscopy and maybe colonoscopy next wednesday again trying to get a diagnosis.

However in hospital today her blood pressure was insanely high. It was 202 over 120 at one point - she was tested through the day and the lowest the top figure got was 174. The doctors daid she had to stay in overnight and take blood pressure medication but she refused as she was already feeling stressed by the biopsy/scan and having been messed around by the hospital a lot during the day, and she refused blood pressure medication as when her mother took BP meds they made her feel ill.

She discharged herself against medical advice.

If her BP doesn't come down she won't be able to have the diagnostic procedures she needs and won't be able to have surgery if needed. She's also saying she won't have chemo if it makes her feel ill.

Basically she's practically resigning herself to death and I'm not even allowed to be upset about it as she says me being upset makes her BP worse.

I don't have much of a life, and she and my dad are the most important things in it. I don't want to be alive without her and she seems to be planning to kill herself when we don't even know what the cancer is yet.

I feel so helpless and scared.

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    Hi Pyx

    Thanks for getting in contact with us. I am sorry to read what has been going on. It sounds like such a stressful time for your mum, you and your dad.

    I think it is natural to feel helpless and scared when something like this is going on. I think at the moment you need to take one day at a time. There is no easy or right way to cope with this situation.

    It is very easy to get caught up in thinking the worst and it is hard to for anyone to work back from that. Until all the information is gathered by your mums doctors a diagnosis of any condition cannot be made. I think at the moment it is important to bare in mind there is no diagnosis of cancer at present it could be something non-cancerous (benign) that is causing these problems. But like with anything tests and investigations need to be performed to gather the information.

    I can understand it being really difficult when your mum has discharged herself. But I think she is probably frightened and this was her coping mechanism in this situation, as this was the only thing she could do to feel in control. Going through investigations and tests to rule out cancer can leave people in a world of uncertainty which is very hard to cope with.

    You mentioned her mum was on blood pressure medication, I think because she has seen her mum have side effects to the medication this is automatically what she will presume will happen to her. I wondered if it was worth you speaking with her (doctor) GP  today and explain what has been happening. But most importantly explain about her blood pressure and that she needs help to control it. They may be able to talk to her about this and discuss the medication available to her, as the medication may have changed from when her mum was put on these.

    It might be worth you talking to your GP too.  It isn’t easy coping in situations like this and they may be able to offer you some help and support.

    I wondered if there is anybody else around like your dad or close family or friends that could talk to her instead of you. As this will take the pressure off you and she maybe be able to talk about her worries with them more freely.  She probably doesn’t want to upset you because you are her daughter.

    You or your mum can ring our helpline to have a chat to one of our nurses,  our number is 0808 800 4040. We are here from Monday to Friday, 9am to 5pm.  The community here are also really supportive and will help you get through this difficult time.

    Best wishes,

    Georgina

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    Hi,

    So sorry to hear about your Mum's situation and the stress you are going through. My Mum's blood pressure went through the roof every time she saw someone in a white coat and she had operations cancelled because of it. 

    It takes time to get your head around a possible cancer diagnosis, especially when there is so much uncertainty. Give your Mum a little time, but remind her that there are umpteen different drugs which help reduce blood pressure and just because her Mum reacted badly to one of them doesn't mean she will react badly to all of the others. There are similar arguments about chemo - when I was on chemo I saw the side effects as being minimal when compared with refusing them and the inevitable side effect of dying within a few weeks. So many people are apprehensive of chemo, often due to bad experiences of family members from decades ago. There are side effects but the drugs have improved over the years and the management of side effects is far better than it was that many years ago.

    I hope your Mum's BP comes down and that she is able to accept the treatment she needs.

     

    Best wishes

    Dave 

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