Hi there,

I'm new to this site - hello! 

Sorry for what will probably be a long post, and many thanks if you do make it to the end. 

My dad was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer in December. I had been planning to move to Canada in March to finally be free of my dad who has always been quite forceful in what he has expected of me and my life. This was to be my big adventure and first time on my own. 

Finding out about the cancer was after a misdiagnosis by the GP, when we only found out about the cancer in A&E that he had a golf sized grade 4 glioblamstoma which needed immediate surgery. He was given 18 months as an average, but realistically given the speed the tumour I don't think he'll make a year. 

Since then I have taken on responsibility of head of house. My dad has large debts and more pop up everyday by opening bills - he hasn't told me about them directly. I am expected to be the breadwinner, mortgage dealer, pension arranger as well as correspondent for the house. I'm the eldest of six kids - he nor my mum has given them the sit down talk just given me responsibility of managing everyone's feelings. 

My dad won't to accept he is dying pretending he is getting better due to some miracle from a God who took him to the hospital to have the operation at the "perfect time." I have tried to speak to him about it to see if he fully comprehends what is happening but he just says he is thankful to God - though I am not sure about what. 

My dad is highly irritating and needy, depending a lot on my mum and getting angry at her over minute things which he then dwells and goes on about for days - regularly calling me to sit and talk about the same topic saying he is "lost." When I ask about what, thinking it will be about accepting the cancer instead he speaks about something so minute and trivial I can't help but get angry. At times I think he is covering up for the immense pain he must be feeling, but he is so indenial and will talk so much about these small household issues I think he's mad.

My mum is completely spent, and he won't let her have time out. He is completely indifferent to her feelings as a human, and I feel like mine too - he doesn't care he's left me with a lot of debt and a house, as well as responsibility over a large family. He doesn't even acknowledge the rising pile of bills and such, just telling me to speak to so and so. On top of this in some way I'm dealing with the grief of losing a different kind of life I imagined, and like I will never really be able to escape which is something I've wanted to do for about a decade. 

Would be grateful to here stories of anyone who has felt the same, and maybe how they might have felt post-death?

Thanks