Hi Sarah-Jane,

I am so sorry to hear about your parents. My mum and I had a sea between us when she developed secondaries. I tried to fly across at weekends, but it was a considerable financial burden – not that I objected to it in the slightest as I was doing it for my mum. I also had a husband, two young children and a full-time job, so it was not always easy to get away.

Your mum will probably not know the staging of her tumour until she has her mastectomy, so she may not be hiding anything from you. I am sure that she would welcome being accompanied to the hospital for appointments (not necessarily the radiotherapy and chemo, but certainly other appointments, such as the one on 12th May). It is helpful to have someone else to remember the replies to your questions as we don’t take a quarter of what is said in. Could your sister go with her, or could you manage the occasional visit?  This might be the best way for you to find out exactly what the Consultant says.

Another helpful thing is to make a list of all your mum’s concerns and those of the rest of the family and write these down, so that you don’t forget to ask pertinent questions. Thinking these up with your mum may also help her to be more open with you.

It is a big financial burden to travel so frequently and it also puts a lot of strain on you. This can leave you tired and run down. Taking care of yourself is not selfish, because you are no use to either parent if you fall ill. I am glad to hear that you are settled in Edinburgh and can understand why your mum doesn’t want you to return home. None of us know how long she has left so try to get home as often as you are able to, make some good memories when you are at home with her and try not to dwell on the inevitable. Are there any particular things that your mum would like to do before she is too ill to do them?

There is a very useful post under Practical Mattes by Doolally which is entitled “Present for Friend going through chemo”. This might give you some ideas to help your mum get through treatment.

You don’t say what ages your parents are. Does your dad qualify for any benefits? Chances are that your mum will if she is no longer working. We have people at the hospital I attend who will help patients by telling them what they are entitled to. I think ours is run by MacMillan, but I have also found the Citizen’s Advice Bureau very helpful too. They will even fill out the forms which are quite daunting. The additional funding should be a help with day-to-day living. They may even qualify for additional allowances eg winter fuel allowance, etc.

I hope that this is of some help. The hard bit is trying to stay strong when you are with your mum as she obviously does when you phone her. There will be floods of tears at other times, but let them flow. It may not seem like it at present but these can be a great release valve.

Thinking of you and hoping that you get to know the full extent of your mum’s diagnosis soon.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Hi Jolamine,

Thank you for your reply - I have made my first journey home to be with my mum.

She had her meeting with oncologist sped up to last week and had my auntie attend with her to take notes. The cancer has spread to far for a mastectomy but will be doing a 18 week / 3 week course of Herceptin and Taxol with palliative radiotherapy. She may also start a course of denosumab (I think thats how it is spelt) to try and help her bones effected by the cancer.

The word palliative is incredibly daunting as it makes everything feel so much more real.

My mum is 57 and my dad is 59. My dad has been a heavy smoker and alcoholic since his twenties, not sure if I mentioned that before and his drinking seems to very heavy again. His skin is grey and his eyes yellow, but my dad is a different problem altogether. 

My mum has kept a diary of her phone calls and cancer appointments and who attended with her. One of the entries said she did not qualify for support with a couple of pages ripped out... the next pages I found regarding support was she will receive 31 days full sick pay, 61 days half sick pay then SSP after this time. My dad has already started his retirement fund too! 

Tomorrow I will be meeting her macmillan nurse Morag and I will be writing a list of questions for her as I know when the time comes tomorrow my head will go to mush.

My mum starts her first course of chemo next week and I will be unable to make it home for when she starts but I am phoning her daily, sometimes 2/3 times a day! 

The bucket list is a great idea and will be something we can do as a family, thank you for that suggestion and for the suggestion for a little present for when she starts chemo.

She has also started drinking daily smoothies after looking up superfoods, cleansing and immune boosting foods.

Thank you again for your response, I will update once my mum starts her chemo 

SJ xxx

Hi Sarah-Jane,

I am so sorry to hear the result of your mum’s appointment today, but at least you know what you are dealing with now.

I agree that the word palliative is in itself daunting and, although you were half expecting it, it still comes as a mighty shock. I felt the same when we were told that there was nothing more they could do for my mum.

I am glad to hear that she is starting chemo so soon, as you’ll be keen not to have any further delay. I look forward to hearing how her it progresses.

Here’s hoping that you get a little further forward with the nurse tomorrow. I hope that you’ve got a good long list of questions for her. Don’t forget to ask how she thinks the chemo will affect your mum, as it’s always best to be prepared for the tiredness, nausea, etc which can follow.

Take care.

Jolamine xx