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Mum with terminal lung cancer - how to live?

lou80
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I posted on here a couple of months ago as my mum finished her last cycle of chemo. Anyway since then she has been doing fairly okay despite the fact she has physically deteriorated. We don't know how long we have so are trying to spend quality time together and I am trying to be there as much as possible however for what must seem like terribly selfish moan my own life has also deteriorated massively. I am trying to stay positive for her and enjoy life but everything seems to be going wrong. I think the pent up sadness, anger and frustration is taking its toll. I have isolated myself from my husbamd and best friends, am struggling at work and home with my little girl. I can't seem to find the joy in life anymore and can't look forward to anything. It's hard not being able to plan or ever know what's on the horizon.. this all seems so selfish as my mum is so brace and around her I am able to portray a positive vibe too.. I shouldn't be thinking about myself but I'm finding it hard to be around others. I feel all aspects of my life have gone on hold and I'm worried they won't come back. I'm waffling but if anyone else can identify with these feelings it will be good to find out what you do to try and overcome. 

  • Hi Lou80, 

    I'm sorry to hear about your mum and the impact it is having on you but I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I think you echo the thoughts of many of our members here who have been in similar situations with their parents and loved ones and I'm sure some of them will be along soon to offer their support and share their feelings and experiences with you.

    I noticed you mentioned you're keeping your emotions inside and isolating yourself from family and friends. Many of our members have found that keeping things bottled up and being alone can actually do more harm than good (as you may be starting to realise) so do try to open up to your husband and friends if you can. It can be a daunting prospect but once you do you really will find the support and strength you are seeking to help you through this difficult and uncertain time.

    And there's nothing wrong with thinking about this is having on you Lou. Everyone needs time to themselves and a break from tough situations such as yours so don't feel guilty for trying to look after yourself. If anything it is a positive as when you look after yourself you are then able to support your mum when she needs you most.

    Post as much as you need to Lou and remember that we're always here if you want to chat.

    Kind Regards, 

    Steph, Cancer Chat Moderator

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    Hi Lou,

    I am so sorry to learn of your struggle. It is perfectly normal to feel as you do. At times like this we can experience a whole raft of different emotions in just a short time. It is so difficult to deal with these pent up emotions, yet to appear bright and strong in front of your mum. What age is your daughter?  Your distress can be exacerbated if your daughter is too young to discuss things openly with.

    It is only natural that you want to shun others at the moment. Their interests and conversations can often seem trite in comparison to what you are dealing with at present and you often feel that they do not appreciate the heartache that you are experiencing. You are doing the right thing in trying to keep positive around your mum and making the most of the time you have left together – it is so precious.

    Unfortunately none of us have a crystal ball. You don’t know how much time you have left together, but try not to shut your husband and best friend out of the picture now – you will need their support even more when your mum is no longer with you.

    You say that you have lost the joy for life and wonder if you will ever feel back to ‘normal’ again. You will, but we all deal with these situations in a different way and it can take some time before you start to pick up the pieces again.

    I lost my mum to cancer in 1997 and still miss her every day. I keep a photo of her in my living room and find this a great comfort. I have gradually come to accept her passing and have concentrated on bringing up my two precious children, as mum would  have wanted me to do. I was fortunate in that my husband was very supportive throughout her illness, but I needed him more than ever after she had departed this mortal coil.

    I wish you the strength to carry on . The other aspects of your life will return, but you just have to be patient meanwhile.

    My thoughts and prayers are with you all at present.

    Kind regards,

    Jolamine xx

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