That sounds like a very tricky situation Claire but I'm glad you've posted as there are many members on the forum that have been in this situation when caring for their parents or loved ones at home and I'm sure they will be along soon to offer their support and share their advice and experiences with you.

Our cancer nurses are only a phone call away if you want to talk to someone about this as well. They're available Monday - Friday between 9.am - 5p.m on 0808 800 4040 which is free to call from a UK landline.

I hope you and your family are able to find a solution to this soon Claire and remember to look after yourself so you're able to help your mum when she needs you most.

Best wishes to you all, 

Steph, Cancer Chat Moderator

Hi Claire

Our mums sound very similar. My mum won't accept any help since being disagnosed with secondary breast cancer in the bone but is in severe pain. She is still struggling to do everything and won't let my dad and I help her - which is so frustratung as we are sitting there watching her struggle to move. 

I'm trying to convince her to buy aids to help with things - eg: a bed that moves so it doesn't take her an hour to get up every day and a little wheel chair so she can enjoy the outside intead of hobbling between the kitchen, living room and bedroom but she gets upset and refuses any help.

She is also stubborn about taking pain relief medication (only paracetamol!) as she says she doesn't want to take so many tablets etc and it makes her feel sick but i'm sure they would help her mobility but she's refusing.

It's so hard as she gets so depressed and upset and calls herself pathetic and weak and is ashamed by herself being in this position and doesn't want to accept it. Which i completely understand as she is such a strong independant woman. It's just so hard. 

I feel at a complete loss of how to help her as she doesn't want help from anyone and refuses to speak to anyone about it either - she is just struggling on.

It's so upsetting.

Jo x

Hi Jo,

I'm sorry to hear you are going through a similar situation. My lovely mum passed away 3 days after I posted this. I think looking back her stubbornness was her not wanting to let go and keep control of things! She wouldn't be my mum if she didn't! It's also made for some entertaining stories and some precious memories. We took her out that day and I'm so pleased we did as it was the last time she got out and had fresh air. I'm sure she maybe knew it would be too, which is why she was so adamant!

I hope things are going okay for you and your mum.  Maybe it is down to her nor wanting to lose the control or give in, but I guess with things like medication that can't be helpful. Do you have nurses who mum sees regularly who could help with that? 

I also found for my own mental health that counselling helped me. Macmillan support were amazing but I also saw an independent counsellor who helped me understand my thoughts and helped me realise that looking after myself was equally as important as looking after my lovely mum.

Sending you lots of love... if you ever want to chat then let me know xxx

Hi, your post rang so many bells with me. After a 5 year battle with myleoma I lost my mum in January. In the year before her death she started to struggle with everything and she was as stubborn as a mule. After 2 falls where she ended up in A&E, I insisted that I get her a 3 wheel trolley to help her balance as my heart was always in my mouth when she was walking anywhere. To the world and their wives she would always say it was her 'shopping trolly' as she didn't want anyone to think she wasn't coping. I have learned that it was her pride and independence she was trying to hold onto at all costs and whilst frustrating as hell at the time, I can now understand why. The only way I could get through to her was to spin it around to me e.g. it would make ME feel less stressed if I knew she wasn't going to take another fall or I would feel so much better knowing she was eating heathily with Wiltshire Farm Foods rather than worrying about her not eating or burning herself cooking etc. I even used to joke that I wish I had the foods as they tasted better than my own cooking. Right up to the last few days in the hospice, she was determined to try and climb over the barriers on the bed to go to the toilet herself so I knew my mum's time was coming to an end as she slowly deteriorated and had no choice but to accept my help, indeed even ask for it. So in hindsight whilst she still had her fighting spirit, she was still fighting cancer. Until she could fight no more. Not sure any of this helps, its more frustrating for us who are onlookers and indeed the ones who have to sort out any repercussions but its in their make-up, its just up to us how to we manage it. Lot of deep breathing methinks. Sending you all good wishes.