Hi Kimmy = I am really sorry about Dad and I am sure you are full of grief. I am also sorry you are finding it hard to express that grief with your partener = it feelsso important that he supports you at this time and this is what you are missing. Sometimes words get in the way of support and maybe just being held will help.I wonder how yr mum is taking all this? She must be in grief as well and need supporting.

Be assured that I will be thinking of you today and my wish is that you find peace and healing and that dad is comfortable.

Brisghteyes

Hi Kimmy, So sorry to hear this devastating news, life is so cruel! I am just going through the grieving part of losing my sister but was a similar situation as she was ill for 13 years with a brain tumour but eventually there was nothing they could do for her and passed away in September 2016! Watching your loved ones deteriorate is so hard and our grieving starts then as you know there is nothing else left to do! I hope you have some good friends around you who you can talk to, perhaps your partner just doesnt really understand the pain you are feeling, they never will unless they have to go through it. I pushed my husband away from me without realising it but now I sit and talk, cry if i need to with him, just keep percevering with your partner, he probably feels helpless but tell him you need cuddles, love and support from him at this tough time. Perhaps you could get in touch with a counsellor now rather than wait til the inevitable, I wish I had done it earlier, am just waiting to hear back from one. Don't feel guilty about your tears either, I used to try hold mine in but it doesnt do us any good and only makes us ill, cry with your Mum, talk to each other how you really feel, you probably dont know how to approach it as you will feel that you dont want to upset her any more than she already is and feel that you have to be strong but sod that, you're only human, i used to fed up of people saying stay strong, why should we, we have so many emotions to deal with!

I hope this has helped you a little bit and i realy hope your partner listens to you! Thinking of you and sending you healing thoughts to help you through.

Dawnie10 xx

Hi

I know exactly where you're coming from. I've just recently lost my dad to cancer, he had it in several organs as well as bone and blood but his primary was Esophageal which had the potential to become very nasty for him. The nearest we ever got to a prognosis was months not years and I knew his treatment was all palliative, however, my dad didn't want to know what his prognosis was and it used to tear me apart to hear him make plans for the future knowing it was never going to happen but unable to show any emotion or indication in front of him. 

You'll probably find your partner coming from a small family, especially one that hasn't suffered terminal illness or a loss, has never really learned how to handle a situation like this so this is a learning curve for him too. Please don't hold your emotions back as you will suffer in the long run, just let him know you want him to be there for you but not to make light of your grief. If he doesn't know what to say it's better not to say anything, sometimes a hug is as good as anything. 

I lost my dad very suddenly, far quicker than any of us anticipated, and it came as a massive shock which I struggle with greatly but at least I gave him his final wishes of being at home, I actually moved back in to care for him and put my life on hold with my husband and sons full blessing as my mother passed away 5 yrs ago, I have no regrets but nothing prepared me for the void in my life he has left. 

Make the most of today because you never know what tomorrow will bring, and remember sometimes a hug is worth a thousand words.

take care of yourself 

Hi brisghteyes

Thank you for your reply. My mum is being amazing. I do worry so much about her. She is being so strong and supporting dad through every step. I do ask her regularly if there is anything she needs and if she is coping ok and she always says she is and seems to mean it.

I sat and had a chat with my partner and am hoping things will be easier with him from now on.

thank you again for your kind words

Kimmy

Hi Dawnie10

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. I am so sorry to hear about your sister, life is indeed very cruel. 

The majority of my friends don't have experience of dealing with this and are all busy with their lives so I tend to text them now and again but don't want to burden them with my emotions.

i sat and spoke to my partner yesterday and explained that I am struggling and it does not help when he changes the subject to something unrelated. He seemed upset by it but understanding so I'm hoping going forward things will be easier. He said that he finds it difficult to know what to say and hasn't experienced grief so said that he feels for me and wants to be there. I understand what he means though. 

Im staying with my parents tonight whilst my partner is away on a stag night and so we've had chance to just be as 'normal' as you can be. My family keep talking about how he may go into remission but for some reason, I don't seem to be able to think that and feel awful for thinking the worst. I guess it could be because my hopes have been built up and dashed many times over the past 10years.

Thank you for your recommendation of contacting a counsellor. My employer has something in place that I can contact and think I will look into it, I hadn't really considered it but think I will do, so thanks. I hope you get some counselling in place soon.

thank you once again for your response and I really hope that you are able to find peace following the loss of your sister. My thoughts are with you and your loved ones.

kimmy xx

Hello Alison62

thank you for taking the time to reply. I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your dad. It sounds like you gave him the best by being there for him as a carer at the end. I am sure he would have appreciated that.

i too am struggling listening to future plans. Dad looks so ill, but still says "if I go into remission I am going to get a job in a charity shop" but at the same time he has signed his do not resuscitate papers, arranged to die at home and is getting rid of his guitars and sewing machines - I have asked to keep two of his guitars, I can't play but I remember always sitting with him whilst he played and sang songs as a youngster.

i did have a chat with my partner and following your advice told him that sometimes I don't expect him to have a response, sometimes a hug or just to sit and listen means more than any attempt at responding or awkward change of subject!

thank you for all of your advice and kind words. I hope you are able to find peace following the loss of your dad and would like to say that you kindly writing about your experiences have helped me a lot.

take care, kimmy xx