i brought my mum and dad down from up north to london to live with me when mums breast cancer from a few years ago returned in her bones and lymphatic system. i have no siblings and knew it would be easier to manage if they were with me and i didnt have to keep dashing up the M1 when i had a job and 3 kids....... that was last june - we moved in to a rented house to accommodate them and my 3 kids and me (no husband). 2 months later dad became seriously ill, had a few falls and then was in hospital for 10 weeks before dying of a stroke in early November. through this mum with her cancer and i visited most days and were unable to communicate wit hhim. it was almost a relief when he died. mum is now in final stages of cancer. i had to give up work and we are hospital or hospice 3-5 times a week, she is in a wheelchair and i cook and take her everywhere. don't get me wrong - there are no nappies and we have a cleaner but have had to get used to the vomiting, pain, her inability to walk and nobody really telling us how long she's got. i am very emotionally repressed and find it more and more difficult to talk to her and be with her. i am caring for her every need on a practical level but find i am hiding from her, drinking too much and don't want to 'face' her and her reality. the result if terrible guilt and when i got out or see friends i cry and cry at my inability to care for her properly and be there for her. she is in the house but often just watching tv whilst i am in another room. i feel treacherous and guilty as hell. what is wrong with me.....?
