Hi all,

It has been a while since I was last on here. I think I posted at the beginning of my wifes diagnosis which was last June or just into July (2015). We have been through a massive journey and one which everything will probably now stay with me until the day I die.

My late wife was first diagnosed with secondary bowel cancer and in the end she had cancer in her bowel, three quarters of her liver, light particles in her abdomen, both lungs and in her bones. She had pains in her hip for 2 to 3 months towards the end and our Dr said it was extremely rare that bowel cancer spreads to the bones and kept refusing to do any form of scan at the time. Well turns out it was the cancer and was on the brink of fracturing her hip as it had indeed spread through her bone structures (and even through chemo) that she had to rushed into hospital and have a hip replacement....at the age of 34!

A day and half later she was discharged from hospital and allowed to come home. No physio, just crutches to take home. Oh they did get bed heighteners installed in our home as well as toilet heighteners and a tall backed chair. And that's when it all just speeded up. She had fluid fast growing in her stomach and legs and she was ballooned up so badly she looked like she was pregnant. I was told she had Ascites in her liver so that was no longer functioning. Every 2 to 3 days, in and out of hospital, drained, back at home to rest, then do it all again a few days later. In between was blood tranfusions and it completely took it's toll in the end. The night before she passed away, they put a drain in to allow us to drain the fluid ourselves.

Well the next morning after the drain was put in, she started having chest pains and breathlessness and slowly started forgetting things and becoming more and more agitated. I phoned 911 to ask for help and eventually demanded an ambulance due to her condition worstening. When the paramedics arrived she closed her eyes and started screaming for people to help her and was like this throughout the rest of the day. I can still hear her screaming out. Almost haunting in a way. It was almost like my wife had dementia within 24 hours as she didn't know who anyone was, not even me, which is the most upsetting thing about it all.

I contacted as many people and allowed all of my wifes friends to come and pay their respects before she passed and think they all appreciated that and am sure she would have also.

She sadly died at around 11.14pm that night. She took her final few breaths of life and then...nothing. I was slumped over the hospital bed like a broken man and still am to an extent. I am now a widowed father of two children, both 8 and 10 years old at the age of 36. People say 'time is a great healer', 'it will get easier', 'I know how you are feeling'. Do you really? Honestly? This coming just 2 months after I was made redundant from my job after 8 and half years. How does someone pick themselves up after so much devestation and in such a small timeframe?

It is now two months since the funeral and feels like it was just yesterday. I have good'ish days and some bad days. I walk out and about sometimes staring into the distance like i'm not even on this planet. I'm somewhere else. Sometimes I will just sit and look at where she used to sit or imagine she is just about to come in from work.

The day of the funeral for me is probably going to be the hardest day I will ever encounter. Seeing the hearse pull up outside our family home with 'mummy' in the window made up of her favourite flowers and the very slow drive towards the crematorium.

I am now going through counselling after deciding enough is enough as my health was getting worse and worse from the stress and anxiety as I had pretty much gone from being her husband to just her carer. So much so, I thought I had bowel and stomach cancer as I became symtomatic but this has now all been cleared with tests etc. A massive weight from my mind but still on anxiety medication to help me get through the days ahead.

I'm just so grateful I have such amazin family and friends who have all been so supportive and can't ever thank them enough.

I sit here with tears almost running down my face but I made a promise to my wife that I would continue and do the best for our children and although I have no interest in Christmas as at all this year, I will do my upmost to make as special as I can for my two children. Their first Christmas without their mummy. :-(

If there is any good out of all of this, my wife is no longer suffering and in pain and is now resting in peace wherever that is. Sleep tight sweetheart x