Hello there, 

I am looking for some help and advice. My mother, who is 67, lives in Ireland and was diagnosed with kidney cancer in the summer with secondaries on the pelvic bone. This was only discovered after a scan which followed a cardiac arrest in the spring - her illness came out of the blue for everyone. Since then, she has quickly deteriorated. Not so much physically - although she has lost weight and suffers from a lot of pain - but mentally she is confused, irrational, aggressive and withdrawn.

She is on morphine to manage the pain from calcaemia, but she is also drinking a lot. We are all aware of the dangers of drinking in her condition - least of all combining it with morphine.

She will think nothing of screaming at my dad in a place if he refuses to buy wine. She says vile and nasty things to him - almost on a daily basis, and randomly flips at him. 

She has little appetite and what she does eat is mainly sweet things like pudding - and of course a few bottles of wine. She is tiny, 45kg was her last weight, she was probably nearly double this ten years ago.

My dad is on his own with her in Ireland - me and my other siblings live away and can only manage the odd trip every few weeks. This is a massive burden to my Dad and he is struggling to cope. Our experience of the health service in Ireland is not great - not a criticism of the doctors and nurses, just the system is terrible - lots of appointments have been misbooked or unnecessary (nearest hospitals are one hour and three and a half hours away so this is a big journey for someone in her condition.)

She has refused all treatment, so all she is receiving is palliative care.

We are resigned to her dying, but the way she is going is painful, very stressful and very upsetting. We are feeling a lot of guilt for not being there enough and my Dad is feeling helpless and hopeless and completely on his own.

I am wondering if anyone knows of any help or support my parents can recieve in this situation in Ireland?

Thanks in advance/