2 weeks ago my Dad went into A&E with a 4 week history of upper back pain. The following day we ( my dad and I ) were told he had a lung cancer with metastasis in his spine and liver and there is nothing that can be done but palliative pain control. I've virtually lived at the hospital for the last week but he is desperate to die in peace in his flat. I've been signed off work for a month and I plan to move in to his flat and care for him with the help of carers and the community palliative care team. I'm trying very hard to be strong for him but after seeing him today I really am struggling to hold it together. There is only me and my dad as my brother livesuch in France an my mother died when I was very young. Ive been a nurse for 20 years so I know I have the skills required to care for him at home but I'm so scared that I won't be able to do it, questions keep popping into my head like "what if his pain gets too much?"  I Desperately want to do this for my dad. These have been the worse 2 weeks of my life and I know it's only going to get worse 

10/03/2016 

my dad died in hospital 4 days ago, I didn't manage to get him home as it all happened so quickly. 3.5 weeks from diagnosis to death. He was terrified of dying alone and I promised I would be with him, I went home to rest at 23:30 as my people were going on and on at me to rest...... biggest mistake of my life so far. The hospital rang me at 03:53 and told me he was breathing his last breaths I got there at 04:20 and he had just died..... I was not with him as I had promised, I'm so devastated I went to a medium today ( which I don't believe in at all) just to try and speak to him to apologise for not being there, obviously I didn't get any messages or anything remotely like my dad. His last few hours he was very restless and confused, the nurses then gave him something to settle him and he was sleeping peacefully when I left at 11:30, I don't know if he woke up again between then and when he died. I don't know how anyone ever gets over this, I was very young when my mother died, less than a year so I've never experienced this before. At this moment I actually don't want to be here any more, I just want to be with my dad