This is about my plight to access any counselling or support for my High school sweetheart husband, full time carer, with 4 different cancers, brain tumour and genetic brain aneurysm. 

He's my full time carer for almost 6 years. Last year following a no fault road traffic accident it was learned he had stage 3 Non Hodgkin's Lymphoma throughout his body. 

He is also being treated for Lung, skin and brain cancer. On top of a killer genetic brain aneurysm, his oldest had hers clipped, coiled at Addenbrooks Dec 2014, his father died in France when his ruptured Dec 2008. My hubby wasn't tested until after his oldest was in confirmed recovery. 

My dear sweet hubby, was abandoned by a neglectful mother at 4 years old... raised in family homes of cousins, his father's uncle (abuser), alcoholic aunts on the game. Left in tents overnight while his dad played in a band. His dad moved to England and sent for him around 10 yrs old. It was rough. His mother died on my hubby's birthday while he was in counselling discussing her abuse 2013. She died of lung cancer, within months of diagnosis, as did the alcoholic aunt, her sister. 

Household dynamics: 

I'm an adult diagnosed with Autism, Agoraphobia mobility issues also from no fault rta in Dec 1998. Being a wife to my high school sweetheart means I'm a step mother. I'm constantly reminded of my own failings and lack of ability to protect my own three sons kidnapped by my first husband an ex airman in US Air Force. My sons are young men now, similar in ages to my Stepdaughters 23-26.

With limited ability to communicate with my captor, my ex I was forced to deliver my 2nd and 3rd son 6-8 weeks early and prematurely by my abusive husband at the time. As he was tired of me being pregnant (the focus wasn't on him) Isolated, limited in my everyday actions, abused and raped...then the ultimatum to be sterilised  (or divorced, death threats and no access to my children) 77 days after my 3rd son was born, and still on life support in New icu in New Mexico. I was 21. He resented me claiming I lost him his clearance due to me having British passport. 

I suffer chronic PTSD, paranoia and meltdowns, especially when stressed.... this is having a toll on hubby too. I am not an angel and take full responsibility for my mistakes, but never did drugs or alcohol. Www.helpmefindmykids.com 

Ostracised, beaten nothing more than a British immigrant on residential visa, housemaid and sex slave no friends not even allowed to get the mail. He entertained himself watching me perform with escorts he'd hired. Fulfilled his fantasies, and followed thru on threats of abuse, if I didn't. 

The divorce gave him rules, but my ex refused to follow them, but applied them verbatim when it met his goals. He withheld children, alimony, inspections took place of accommodation (watching me sleep, leaving me notes) and strict knowledge of my work colleagues...the death threats continued even in court on my last appearance when he gained temporary sole custody, then left state with them. He had me deported back to uk where we married in 1989, but he failed to file the divorce...I found out I was still married Nov 2006, when my hubby and I married after being together since my return to uk in 2003. 

Unfixable Part of my life right now: 

'My youngest Stepdaughter has been using the grandkids (now 3 in total) as pawns in her "wants" game. I refused to play so haven't seen the children for nearly 3 years. I have no connection to the last two, as they are almost 5 and 1 yr olds. The oldest is a darling, but hearing the words, "my daddy doesn't like you" killed me. His father/partner of Stepdaughter was abusing her, of course I don't like him... but from a 4 year old...he heard his parents arguing over me! 

Thought staying out of the way, would help hubby stay connected even if only to his only grandchildren. But yet she puts up hurdles or obligates her to chauffeuring her and children around, lately expecting lunch or snacks for them all, my cookies, candies etc..are ignored.... this is all despite two years access to brand new Vauxhall, lessons, tests and insurance to learn to drive. But partner never bought her vehicle she could drive. 

She knew her children had chickenpox, hubby had already had it, but got it again. No amount of explanation could make it clear hubby's immune system like mine, is shot. Just because he looks okay, she doesn't see him tired and very ill after his visits, she abandons him with the kids, he gets truly exhausted and stopped talking to me about any part of the visits. 

It breaks my heart every time. She requests doctors notes to prove the conditions as her mother faked 13 years of her life in a wheelchair or cane. Her father raised her following a claimed stroke, changing tampons, carrying a 17 stone woman up stairs and down. 

The youngest Stepdaughter and mummy, went national in a truly low newspaper. Proud of her achievements to breastfeeding beyond four years, claiming she was wrongly told she'd be unable to conceive if still breastfeeding? So lost that bond with her first child at 14 months. Nothing about her chronic bouts of post partum depression with threats of self harm if she didn't get the nursery rocker! www.dailymail.co.uk/.../The-mothers-breastfeed-four-year-olds-inappropriate-women-insist-creates-profound-bond-puts-stop-worst-tantrum.html

Even hubby kept this quiet from me? so seeing the article and such a horrible version I was so embarrassed, anger and felt such shame for the little girl in that picture, I posted a comment which I truly regret doing as soon as it was done, but unlike here or Facebook you cannot delete a post or comment reply? Especially, as within 20 mins my hubby asked me not to say or do anything. I couldn't undo it, even request to close the account hasn't evolved. 

The attacks by the Stepdaughter and her ultimatums for apologies to her... and refusal to explain public lies to her partners mother, another grandparent. I wrote to her explaining and apologising to end any further animosity, but it was ignored, so continues to brew with the Stepdaughter, she still scolds her classmate in kindergarten for telling her her favourite food was fat, and that's what makes you fat! 

Bitter and twisted as her mother's boyfriends always made a play for her sister, she made terrible choices, then exposed them on Facebook in more dramas she'd generate. She self harmed to get attention, regardless if she was warm, clothed and well fed. This drew in Social Services, whom she admitted carrying knives, and keeping steak knife under her pillow. 

So, my choices... and what I've done so far....

Choices:

Get Counselling: since June 2010 as an Adult diagnosed or suspicion of diagnosis of Autism (ASD). NHS is NOT commissioned to provide Mental Health Support to adults with ASD.

Get Support: 

Religiously since June 2010, Self referred to ESAN, was assisted by Advocate until merger of Suffolk and Norfolk Mental Health....then any service, of PCT funding panel only to have DR take money, and not reschedule my appointment after she moved her offices from Milldenhall to Colchester. Had to start 13 month process again to access recommended EMDR? Regardless of counselling needs, or support. 

Then it was Wellbeing Suffolk, denied..referred back to Secondary access services via GP, whose many many referral lead to same response - denied, due to lack of qualified personnel or services? So, back to Wellbeing Suffolk...around and around we go......last letter referring back to GP just arrived, for 6 wk assessment period when I meet the psych nurse, who'll write letter stating above Dogma again. 

Contacted:

Macmillan - info taken - awaited nurse callback. Instead was plagued with email, SMS, mobile and telephone calls ALL requesting donations, even after I donated £10 Christmas DWP money, I was made to feel so guilty. 

Nurse eventually called back and referred me to Wellbeing Suffolk or GP!

Tried Dr's office

Samaritans charity, again plagued with donation requests.

Even Care Act advocate who's assisting with care package.

Wrote My local MP, Ombudsman's Health Dept and CQC office 

Even made appointments with CAB, but volunteer quit, so starting again...only been 8 months, what another 12? 

Conclusion: 

Despite loving my husband more than anyone, I've offered him a divorce, as I am such a burden, and unwell without help I will make his last months/years a little easier. 

I don't care what happens to me, without access to medical and mental health support outlook isn't good anyway. 

I beat cancer 1998, 18 years ago, survived car accident, partial amputation...but I can't see my hubby suffer anymore. 

Any suggestions how to go about this, and do as little harm as possible...would greatly be appreciated thank you in advance