Hi All,
Im not sure why I'm posting this, I guess I needed someone to talk to.
My dad recently found out he had lung cancer which is inoperable. He has just started chemo with the hope that they might shrink to a manageable size but he has basically been told it is terminal.
Im 31 and me and my dad haven't really spoken properly for the last 15 years after he cheated on my mum and left us. He now has another family and even though I see my uncles and my cousins I prob see my dad at family functions once a year where we bump into each other. Conversation is always civil as like nothing's happened but then we don't see or speak to each other until the next family function.
i don't know why this is, I guess is because I hold my dad accountable for what he done and have never really forgiving him for abandoning us. This has never left me and I guess I'm still angry after all these years. Problem is I absolutely love my dad, he was my hero and this news has absolutely broken me although I'm good at putting on a brave front, putting it to the back of my mind and pretending like I'm ok.
Ive seen my dad a couple of times since the news but still don't seem to be able to open up or talk to him properly. He sent me a message the other day and I broke down and haven't responded. I wanted to write him a letter letting him know how I feel but I feel like im being selfish and the last thing I want to do is upset him. But there's also something blocking me from just moving on and just spending as much time wth him as possible before it's too late. I know I want to build a relationship again with my dad but I don't feel like I can until I get things off my chest but then I don't think this is the right time, although going forward it never will be now. I don't want him thinking I hate him either and always want him to know how much I love him and how much he means to me. I have so many conflicting feelings
Am I wrong for feeling like this?
