Hi all,

I joined this forum a little while ago, but haven't posted yet. My mum is the one with cancer, and in the family home it's me (daughter, aged 30) my dad (77) and my brother (36). Yes, you read right - TWO adult kids living with pensioner parents. It's a long story as to how we got here but for now I'll say, my brother is an artist who takes labouring jobs to pay his way and I earn my keep running the day-to-day of the house and have a small creative venture that brings in some money too. Basically, it's unusual but it's worked for us, and perhaps not so much my brother as he's away in london a lot with his art, but for me the time since I graduated (2009) has been a time of getting to really know my parents - they say the same - we're now a group of friends and housemates as much as parents and kids-who-won't-buge! 

Anyway, my mum's been living with secondary breast cancer for the last 3/4 years on chemotherapy pills, and she's carried on working despite our protestations (she's a farm girl and there is no talking her out of something she actively wants to do!). Of course Mum's been through the terrifying ups and downs (pleuracy, infection, dehydration sickness, radiotherapy) and she's still here, Mum's been an absolute trooper. But we had word that it was time to begin "chemo proper" IE intravenous chemo at the hospital in a week's time. I feel like this post is already far too long, so forgive me I just haven't got anyone to listen and/or activly help. It is assumed, because I am here all the time, that I am her carer. At first, I thought it was the very least we could do to care for our ageing parents, to repay them for.. well, everything in the past an present. The very least. But after everything that's happened I KNOW what it's like when Mum gets sick, and I KNOW I haven't got the physical and mental strength to keep the place running, feed Dad and keep him company, look after the animals, an be on high alert for Mum ontop of trying to "enjoy the good days", alone, 24/7. My brother is unreliable, I've tried every which way to ask him to help but he's quite aggressive and makes the vali point that he's the one trying to bring in the money now Mum's finally stopped work. Add to this the fact that I don't drive - so those moments of chaos at 3am when her temperature has shot up and she's losing more fluids than she can replenish and she's calling for me when we all know I can't jump in the car and take her to the hospital, leave me feeling horrified, let alone how helpless and afraid Mum must feel. Dad is in denial and has been the whole way along. He's not very mobile and is happy to sit in his chair and watch TV.

This will be the longest post I make (promise!) but I'm really just trying to make a clear picture and hope that somone reads it and maybe responds with some steps to take. Since hearing about the new chemo regime, to be honest, I've upped my jobsearch to look for a salaried job that would necessarily involve relocating and/or looking for a place to live that will take dogs (farm work, etc). It's so selfish, but I just want to run, and I feel like I made a stupid, stupid mistake in presuming that I'd be one of a team of friends and relatives that would step up to take it on. I feel like I stepped up and everyone else took that to mean I'd "volunteered".

I don't like how often this post uses "I", and I don't want anyone to think I've lost sight of Mum in all this. It's her fight, her life, her cancer and we all just want to enable her, in a structured way, to get through it. Really though, my friends are all parents who live miles away, and I don't feel that there's anyone I can turn to who will hear all this and say "Right! Action!" which is all we need, really. Mum's said she wouldn't want us to pass up opportunities to carry on with our lives, but two sentences later she'll say "I don't know how I'd get through this without you", so I'm turning down short-term work. Am I doing the wrong thing staying? Am I right to be looking for somewhere else to live or is that just a distraction from my duty? This whole situation is getting ontop of me, and subsequently Mum's clamming up and trying not to worry me with what could be potential symptoms. 

Apologies again for the length, thanks so much if you made it this far, I appreciate any words of wisdom or experience.