My dad was diagnosed with pancreactic cancer a few weeks ago. Within that time we also learnt it had spread to his liver. He's began chemo therapy and he's on and off in pain. I don't really know how to deal with it. I'm only 20 so to see my strong father being in this pain is really upsetting. I've been avoding the cancer. I just don't know how I'm supposed to behave or accept. Like I know it's happening but it's like I just pretend it's not serious and that my dad is going to live forever. I know that's a silly and childish way to think and I feel ridiculous saying that too.
I have two older sisters too and none of us are really coping with it well. My two older sisters are confinding in each other when they're sad and I think they're just doing what any older sibling does and tries to protect their younger sibling but it's really not helping me. I've tried talking to them about it but I feel it never gets us anywhere and leaves us feeling even more sad. My boyfriend and best friend have been really good support for me though but it's a way that I only ask for their help when I've broken down in tears because I've remembered my dad's ill or things become far too real again.
I don't even know what I'm hoping to achieve by posting this. I didn't really think it out before I started typing this either. I've researched a fair bit into what's happening to my dad too.
I feel numb a lot of the time when my anxiety isn't acting up and making me feel like I'm dying or when I'm crying. I cry and then immediantly afterwards everything inside me feels completely numb.
My dad talks very openly about his cancer and always tells me if he's not feeling well.I find that helpful because at least he's not doing it alone. I just don't really know what else I can do. But sometimes to avoid it's all happening I run away to my room. I'm one of those people that likes my own space but I also want to spend all my time with my dad. I can't do that though because I then start feeling like I need space. I just don't want to regret anything.
I was hoping to phone Macmillian support today but I found out their phonelines are only opperating Monday-Friday. I'm just not too sure what I'm supposed to do or feel. It still doesn't feel like this is happening.
I have anxiety and panic disorder and a lot of that comes from my fear of death so as you can imagine my anxiety always feels like its with me right now. I don't want medication from the doctors either, I want to try and deal with it naturally. My boyfriend again has been really good with me on that part. He always goes through breathing exercises with me. It's when I'm alone with my thoughts and they start caving in on one another.
My thoughts have been all over the place here and I still don't know what I'm trying to achieve. It's the most I've spoken about it but I still feel like I've not spoken a single bit about it.
