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Father given 6-12 months to live

frogskinshoelace
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Hey everyone, I just found this place after doing some google searches. I am in need of some support/advice as my father was given 6-12 months last night. Ill try to keep this short, as there are obviously a lot of details to a story like this, and I dont have all of them myself. I am 26 and he is 61.

He was diagnosed with bladder cancer July 2015, at which point the doctors said it was treateable and could be operated on. He responded to chemo, and had his bladder removed in December. Since then he has been told he was cancer free. However, he was having issues with his kidneys since the operation.

The kidneys havent been functioning well since December. He has had a number of operations placing and removing stents, but I dont believe his life was in immediate danger because of it. Unfortunately he took a sharp nosedive these past two weeks, He hasnt been able to eat, his breathing has been getting shallow and its difficult for him to speak, and he is down to skin and bones. He went to the hostpital 2 days ago and they ran some tests. Last night the oncologist told us that he now has cancer in his lungs, lymph nodes, and liver. Operating is not an option, and with chemo he could live 6-12 months.

 

The family is in shock, and I think he is in denial. He didnt say much last night, and mentioned the possibility of getting a second opinion, or the tests results being a mistake, which certainly doesnt seem possible. It didnt hit me until I got home and saw pictures of me as a boy with him. I broke down and chugged all the alcohol I could find in the house and began my internet search that has led me here.

 

This really sucks and I dont know how to begin helping him.

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    Hi, firstly I am so sorry for your sad news. Nothing I can say will help yours or your father's pain, but I can tell you I am going through the 12 month prognosis with my mum at the moment. She has a grade 4 glioblastoma brain tumour. They operated to remove as much as possible and it was growing back after 2 days. After diagnosis and telling us she had about 3 months to live if she decided to have no treatment we were all numb and shocked! Mum lost movement on her right side after the op and has slowly gotten some back, although she can't sing much now as she used to sing in the folk clubs but as her mouth is drooping ever so slightly on her right side she can't sing well enough that she'd want to get up in a crowded room anymore. She has had radiotherapy and chemo tablets for 6 weeks.... but then her platelets became low on last week so they stopped the chemo. She has had no treatment since mid April now.... but mum went through the denial stage. She even turned to drink. Was going through 3 or 4 bottles of vodka and/or tia Maria every week or 2. Then she just stopped. It's a waiting game now.... not sure if anymore treatment is an option as she had an mri today so the results will tell us more. We are just making sure she has things to look forward too as much as possible. X
  • Offline in reply to Hjsnoopz

    Ugh, the doctor pulled the treatment offer today. Didnt give a timeframe but it looks like he will be leaving us soon. Probably gonna get drunk again tonight. :|

     

    Sorry about your mom. How old?

  • Offline in reply to frogskinshoelace
    Huni I am so sorry to hear that. It's the last thing anyone wants to hear. Why don't toy have a drink and if he's well enough think of a few nice things to do together, even if it's just looking through pics or watching a movie together. How is your dad coping? My mum is 57. Too young X
  • Offline in reply to Hjsnoopz

    Thanks for the resonses. My mom is also 57 but fortunately in good health physically.

     

    He is not coping well. He couldnt focus on a movie if we tried. The hospital social worker and pain management chair came in to his room today to discuss hospice options and I dont think he knew what was happening. He kept saying he wants to wait on hospice in case he isnt dying but the cancer is everywhere. By the end of the day he started freaking out saying things like "oh my god im gonna die ahhh!" "theyre gonna burn me early". And begging the doctor for help.

     

    Its absolutely brutal.

  • Offline in reply to frogskinshoelace
    Oh huni. That sounds so frightening for him.... and devastating for you. I can't even begin to imagine that. Have you spoken to the Mcmillan nurses? They will have seen every reaction. Are you taking care of yourself? Got family/gf/friends around you? X
  • Offline in reply to Hjsnoopz

    My mom, sister and brother in law are around. I dont have a gf. Dating is impossible when you are a 26 year old man with acne and acne scars. Friends all ditched me when my skin got bad. My life sucks. I want to end it. Its going nowhere.

  • Offline in reply to frogskinshoelace
    Life sometimes seems hard or rough and sometimes life is devastatingly hard, but it's how we deal with these down or difficult times that help us through. With your family around you should be able to support each other. If your friends all ditched you because you had acne then they weren't proper friends. Go out and make new ones. You need to look after yourself too huni. Are there any support groups for family members of people who have cancer... you might find people in a similar situation to you there and you can all support each other. X
  • Offline in reply to Hjsnoopz

    Thank you again for responding. I am just sort of venting here. I really dont know what to do,

    He could barely speak today but when he was awake he seemed to hear and understand. The end is definitely near.

    Ive been feeling so guilty for all the stupid fights we had. I wish he really had another 6 months so I could show him how much I really love him. ***.

  • Offline in reply to frogskinshoelace
    Hi, you're very welcome. It must be hard when you see him trying to do something that comes so easily to the rest of us and he can no longer do it. But you have to see the signs like you did and use those responsive times your dad has and tell him how you feel. He'll hear you. Tell him happy memories and even poke fun at yourself about how much of a handful you might have been when you were younger. My mum is still herself mostly so we just laugh as much as we can....even poke fun at her until she can't stop laughing. There were times after first diagnosis that I found it difficult to be around her because she was brutally honest (because of the drink.... her way of coping initially) kept telling me and my sisters to f*** off. Then telling me I never shut up in an abrupt way. It was hard to talk to her about anything because she was fed up of people asking how she was! But after she realised the drink wasn't helping she's gotten stronger and we have been able to have nice days out and made more happy memories. It's very clichéd but make every moment count huni. You'll mean the world to him too. Where abouts in the country are you? X
  • Offline in reply to Hjsnoopz

    He passed 5 minutes before I walked in to his room today. :cry:

     

    I live near Philadelphia.

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