Hi Elaine, welcome, but so sorry for what you are going through with your Dad. You don't say if your Mom is in the picture, so I'm assuming she isn't available to you for support. Being an only child is so difficult when a crisis like this happens and you are left carrrying the burden alone. You don't say if your Dad has sisters or brothers in his life, or if you have cousins that you may be close to. If you do, reach out to them and tell them how hard this is for you to be going through alone. Perhaps some close friends of yours, or your Dad's can help you. So often people don't want to intrude, but if they're asked, they likely would be more than willing to provide some help. As for your in-laws, I would guess that they were traumatized themselves when your father-in-law had a bout with cancer and its' possible they are dreading a time when they may have to go through that again. I don't mean to make excuses for them and I am just guessing here. Your husband...... perhaps you need to sit down with him when the two of your are alone and explain just exactly how you are feeling in as calm a way as possible. Try not to direct your anger at him as I'm guessing you are really angry that this is happening to your Dad. Sometimes, spouses just don't know what, or how to give support at a time like this. He may very well be glad to get some direction from you as to how he can support you.

I don't know if any of this makes any sense to you but I hope it does. Come on to the forum whenever you need to let off steam, cry, or just ask for some help. There are many forum members who have had to go through these losses and can offer support to you on here.

Take care and sending you hugs.

Lorraine   

Hi Elaine

Welcome to the forum though sorry for the reason that brings you here.  Having cared for my husband during his terminal illness I can understand your feelings of frustration and anger that you are lacking support from within the family. I am also an only child and had no siblings to turn to for comfort.  Our own children were adults and we were mutually supportive so I was very lucky in that respect.

What I did learn, eventually, was to be open and truthful with those around me when I felt like I was caving in and it was all too much.  I could not  be super human and do it all alone and the mental anguish far outdid the physical hard work in my case.

It is very difficult to suggest how you bring the in laws on board if they are struggling to cope with the situation.  My husband's siblings only visited once during the last year of my husband's illness saying they could not handle it; then three weeks before he passed away they moved even further away together and the next time I saw them was at the funeral.  I too struggled with the anger that the cancer had changed the person I loved so much but rest assured your dear Dad would not want you upset but just has no control over his own feelings and therefore snaps.

Music playing helped my own Dad when he was in the hospice during his last few days as he said it gave him something nice to focus on.

I hope your Dad's medical team are keeping him as comfortable as possible (my husband was at home but we had a good palliative care team to help).

Do come to the forum and let of steam as I found so much understanding here. Jules54 

Hi Elaine,

Sorry to hear about your Dad and the emotional turmoil you're going through.

Anger is a natural reaction to knowing that someone we love is about to die of cancer. If not kept in check, there is a risk that it could tear your family apart. 

You are right, your in-laws and your husband probably don't have a clue what you are going through, only someone who has been down this path could even begin to understand. Losing a parent at any age is awful enough in itself, losing them to cancer years before their time adds to the anguish. 

When my Mum reached the end, the last thing she wanted was visitors. She was on quite a high dose of morphine to manage her pain and my Dad virtually banned anyone from visiting, apart from me and my siblings. 

I know from experience how empty and infuriating the phrase "you know where we are if you need anything" can be. However well meant, it comes across to me as "I can't be bothered to help, but if I say this phrase I won't feel as if I've not offered to help". 

Cut them some slack, let them look after your daughter and give you the space and time you need to look after your Dad in his final days and hours. Sometimes practical help is all people can realistically offer. 

Best wishes
Dave