Hi Karen, welcome to the forum and really sorry to hear about your boyfriend being diagnosed with cancer. I guess I can relate to how and why he said this to you, but I also think he perhaps could have given you the option of deciding for yourself as to staying with him, or moving on. When I was first diagnosed, I had been with my partner a few years, however, my situation is a little different than yours. We are both seniors and life takes on a different perspective at our ages. I did tell my partner that he didn't sign up for this, and if he was not prepared to see me through it, then he needed to leave now, rather than walk when the going got tough. When we receive this terrible diagnosis, our first thoughts are how to put a plan in place for taking care of ourselves as we take this journey through the treatments and possible death at the end. This is so important if we don't have others in our lives to assist us, if the going gets rough, which I didn't have. I couldn't take the chance to depend on him if he wasn't prepared to see me through because trying to arrange for help while one is going through treatments, screening, etc.  is really challenging even with supports; it would be a nightmare looking for help at that point.

Fortunately, he was prepared to support me through this time, and he has done that since I was diagnosed six and a half years ago. I'm still living, but I don't for how much longer. It has been a really rough road for him as well as for me. It is tough for caregivers too and I have been there with a former partner who actually died in my arms after a long and difficult illness. I have lost several family members and friends with cancer too, and it is a hard thing to experience. I don't know how old you are, or how much life experience you may have, but before pushing on this one, you may want to re-examine your wish to commit to your boyfriend if you are not sure if you can get through it. This may be his thinking on why he is refusing to have further contact with you.

I'm telling you this just to give you another perspective on it, having been there myself on both sides. I'm sorry this has happened to both of you. It sounds like you've really come to care a lot for each other. As difficult as this is for you, you do need to respect his wishes on this if this is how he wants it to go. My heart goes out to the both of you. Come back on to the forum and let us know how things work out for you.

Take care and sending hugs your way.

Lorraine  

Hi Lorraine,

Thank you for the reply. I'm sorry to hear about the difficulties you have been through. I told my boyfriend that I would be there for him, I would be at all his apps and treatments etc. I was prepared to move to the UK to care for him if he wanted that. He lives with his mom and he said he spoke to her about it and she thinks it's the right thing to not see each other. He said he would like to remain friends but wouldn't talk to me about his cancer or treatment and that it wasn't what he wants but he's doing it to save me the suffering. I am upset because I have been there for him through a lot and he told me his diagnosis and broke up with me over a text message. I understand he's going through a lot but I feel it's unfair to not respect me enough to let me have my say and make that decision for me. And to then cut all contact... He's literally blocked me on everything. Keeping in mind he knew he had cancer a week before he was given the final final diagnosis and was still talking to me etc I feel it's not right. I won't bother him or keep trying to contact him but I feel this affects both of us and he's not only decided what role I am to play in all this but also I will have no closure, not knowing what happens to him. Thanks again, Karen

Hi Karen, I wish there was something I could say to make this easier for you. I know you feel pushed aside and you have been, without having been given a chance to make the decision yourself about staying by his side through his illness. I'm going to make a suggestion that may help you to feel better about things perhaps. I'm not sure if you feel comfortable about doing this, but it may be worth one last shot at it. I'm assuming that you know his snail mailing address? If you do, why not sit down and write him a letter, telling him how you feel (I would curb any anger you feel as he is likely feeling quite fragile right now). Perhaps reassure him that your offer will remain open should he change his mind, (that's if it will in your mind). I think his intention is to protect you from having to go through this, or perhaps he hasn't had the time to come to terms with it himself yet. It is quite a shock to receive a diagnosis of cancer and it takes a lot of time and reflection to realize the full impact of what is happening in one's life as a result of being told, "you have cancer". For many of us, hearing this is like a death sentence, especially at first, so its' pretty devastating. Fortunately, for a lot of people these days, it is not always a death sentence, but the journey of dealing with it can be a long and painful one.

As I said before, my heart goes out to both of you. Try writing a letter through snail mail and see how its' accepted on his end. Who knows, he may even feel less pressured conversing through this type of contact, rather than by texting, or phone calls. He may write you back, (be sure to include your snail mail address) or he may not, but at least you will have done everything possible to reassure him that you are sincere in wanting to support him through this difficult journey. 

Come back on here to let us know how things go for you, but also to get support for yourself as you deal with this rejection from him. That has to be really hard for you, not only that you are missing him and also worrying about him, but just dealing with the rejection overall.  

Take care of yourself and sending more hugs.

Lorraine     

Hi Lorraine,

He got in touch of his own accord last night. He said my reaction really hurts him but he can't blame me and he hopes I'm ok. I just said that what he did really hurts me but that I'm trying to understand it and come to terms with it for him and that walking away was never going to be a decision I was going to make and that I hope he's ok too. I'm hoping that him reaching out might even be baby steps to keeping communication open. I know he just wants to be friends now, well he said he did in his message, I'm not sure where we stand right now. I know he's hurting. I'm still very hurt that he sent a message telling me his diagnosis and breaking it off with me and then cutting me off. I'm really trying very hard not to be selfish about it and to understand. I hope he realizes why it hurt me and I hope I can overcome my own feelings of upset and anger to be there for him if he needs me. 

Hi Karen, I am so glad your boyfriend got in touch with you on his own iniative. That must have meant a lot to you as well. I guess one has to almost have had the experience of being diagnosed with cancer to fully understand the range of emotions that one feels; i.e. shock, anger, helplessness, fear, hopeless, etc. It takes time to work through all of those emotions before one lands back on their feet, and to be honest, some never do come to terms with it. It is a tough place to be for sure. Loved ones who want to help and support the person, often don't know how, or what to do, and in most cases, there really isn't much anyone can do except be there if the person will allow it. It takes a lot of patience to support someone dealing with everything that goes with a cancer diagnosis.

I'm so pleased that he reached out to you. If this goes the way you want it to, be prepared for a roller coaster ride because that is what it will seem like some ot the time. His emotions will be all over the map and some of the time, he will take that out on you. Be prepared! Try to keep in mind that even though he does this, he's not angry at you really, he's mad at the disease. On the same note, certainly don't allow him to use you either; you need to tell him if he does start directing that anger towards you. Its' one thing for him to let off steam, but not OK to abuse you.

I really hope in my heart of hearts that both of you can work this through and have an opportunity to have a great relationship for a long time to come. Take it slow until you have more information on his disease and follow-up treatment. Be patient and in the meantime, be sure to take care of yourself by staying involved with your friends and doing healthy things for yourself. If you keep yourself mentally healthy, you will be in a better position to support him through this, if he will allow you to.

Come back on the forum to let us know as you take this journey with him. I wish you the best of luck.

Take care.

Lorraine     

Hey Karen13s, you may no longer be monitoring this thread but I did see it and I wanted to offer you a tiny bit of comfort.

I was close to your age when my boyfriend was diagnosed with a recurrance of his TC. It was agressive and it almost killed him, multiple times. He shut down and shut me out HARD when he found out. He tried to break up with me, saying it was a gift he was giving me because cancer was an ugly way to go and he didn't want me to go through that. We did end up staying together, he couldn't bear my tears and requests to be by his side...but to be fair, he knew what was coming and I did not. It was a rollercoaster that didn't end once treatment did. There is so much that can go wrong, often does go wrong, and the bills and stress keeps piling up. I love my boyfriend and we were a couple that survived the cancer journey. It is possible to maintain a relationship during such a tough time....

BUT our relationship was a dance of closeness and then me being shut out. It is hard to go through that. Really hard. If you believe you have the strength to put many of your own needs aside for what could be years...then you're on the right track to possibly having your relationship endure what may come. You just need to decide if it is something that you can do. If you cannot, accept the gift of the breakup, move on and remain friends. See if you meet someone else or if a relationship resparks with this man after treatment. You have no idea what life may have in store for you.:love:

My boyfriend (from that scary time 4 years ago) and I are still very much a couple and committed to each other. We are now planning a family together. But is has been a SUPER hard and long road to get to this place. It's often lonely and can be filled with your insecurities. It's not like the movies :confused:

So, yes, couples can and do stay together during and after cancer. Even when they are in their 20s and have a young relationship. It's just not easy.

My very best to you and I hope that everything works out for you both! :love:

If you want to read my story and what I went through in the early days look up 'greeneyes' in the forum. My current name: Greeneyes2 is because I cannot remember my password for the other account. 

I am going through the same as Karen right now. My heart is breaking for my boyfriend of 8 months who has been diagnosed with prostate cancer. He's pushed me away and says he needs to face it alone and doesn't want to put me through it. I feel so helpless as all I want is to be with him. Reading your posts has helped me to understand that this seems to be the normal reaction when diagnosed. I only prey that in time he gets in touch with me as I love him so much. I know he's a little unsure of his feelings for me and don't know if he's said this to make me go away. But the things he's done for me and the time we have been together he made me feel loved. I only hope all turns out well for us all xx

These were written years ago but I found out the man I was dating was dying of cancer. We haven't been dating long at all, just 2 months. And I know it would seem stupid to care so much after that amount of time but I do. I met him when we were in secondary school together and then we went our spectate ways and 4 years later out of the blue something just sparked. He knew he was dying when he met me but he thought he had a year. He hadn't told anyone, including his family and he still has no plans to. It really upset me when I found out about the diagnosis, and made me very unstable. 

He had a doctors appointment last month and then he just completely ghosted, not a word. I know I crossed a line by doing this but I showed up at his work place, multiple times. I know it was wrong but I cared about him so much and I knew the doctors must have told him somthing awful. He reached out 2 weeks ago and apologised and said his feelings for me never changed and he just wanted to save me the pain. He said there was a procedure they could do to help him but there was always a chance it wouldn't work. Now he's ghosted again and all I have is questions. Like what the procedure it, when it's happening, if he'll tell his family, if he's going to be okay. On a more selfish note, I want to know if any of our relationship was real if he could just drop me like that, like I didn't even matter. I know it's selfish but I am so angry with him, I wanted to stay and support him, I was prepared for it. And he didn't even give me a chance to try. 

Before him I had only ever been with horrible men who didn't treat me right. And then I started speaking to him again, we were already friends from school and when we started speaking it's like everything just fell I place. And I knew that this is how it was meant to feel to be with someone. And I don't know how I'm supposed to let that go. He's either going to die and I'll know I lost the one. Or he'll live and decide the relatio ship has gone too bad or his feelings for me faded and well spend the rest of our lives apart. And then there's the tiniest chance that it was all real and the procedure will work and he'll come back to me and everything will be okay. And I just don't know whats going to happen but if he dies it will destroy me.