I am at a loss and feel useless

My mum has stage 4 ovarian cancer.  In March 2015 she was given 6 to 9 months by the oncologist.  She is 86.  86 sounds old but until recently my mum played bowls 3 times a week, looked after her big garden and did all her own housework and cooking. 

She is under the care of the pallative team at our local hospice.  

Three weeks ago she fell and broke her hip and since then her personality has changed. She has become nasty, argumentative and confused.  She repeats things constantly, tells us things she believes has happened and is now putting herself at risk.  She discharged herself home from the Nursting home 5 days ago with no apperatus to help her move around saying she was not old. Today she said she wanted to go back to the home.

I have tried talking to her, asking her to be careful but she refuses to listen.  My dad, aged 87, is at the end of his tether and I can see one almighty accident going to happen.  No doctor, nurse or anyone has contacted her since she arrived home and her wound has not been checked for 5 days.

I can no longer cope and am beginning to wish that things would just go away.  I have even contemplated just walking away from life, it would be so much easier. 

Today dad called and when I got there she was asleep where she had literally collapsed on the bed. When she woke she was so confused and repeating herself.  She is very good at putting on a face for doctors and nurses.  Refuses help from carers but although she is my mum I cannot take on the role of her personal care. (She is also now incontinent).  No-one has spoken to me about whether the behaviour we are seeing is normal in late stage cancer or whether there is an underlying problem. 

What should I do? 

  • Hello, 

    Firstly I am so sorry to hear about your Mum. No matter how old they are you want nothing more for your parents then to have a peaceful and pain free end of life when the time comes. 

    I know how difficult it is to see somebody you have looked up to and love dearly change from their usual personality. That alone is extremely painful. 

    You must never feel that walking away from life is the answer, I know what a dark and lonely place cancer can be especially when things begin to spiral and you no longer have control. Do you have a direct number to your district nursing team? They should be checking in on her weekly if not more as I know that they do this with my mum. If not get in touch with the Oncology department and ask for their help. You should not be dealing with this alone. 

    Bigs hugs, Ellen xxx