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Terminal cancer

Wolds
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Today I have just found out that my mum has terminal bowel cancer, I am devastated.

Me and my dad visited my mum  today straight after her operation, she was still drousey and asked if the operation was a success.

What do we say? The cancer had spread and we have been told 3_6 months .

I am trying to hold all the family and in the past I have said everything will be fine, but there is nothing more I feel I can do .

How will her last few months be? Will she be in pain?

I am struggling 

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    Hello, 

    I am so sorry to hear your mum has terminal bowel cancer. May I ask where it has spread to please? Regarding the time frame she has been given this doesn't necessarily mean that's all the time she's got left, many go way beyond the expectations and time frames are just down to statistics rather than the individual. But of course this won't stop you worrying about those numbers and it will be very scary and worrying for you. All I can and will say is spend the time wisely, creating some memories, taking some photos/videos and talking. As for breaking the news to your mum I can't really give you any advice about that, speak to close family about what they suggest and go with how you feel when it comes to telling your mum. Your mother shouldn't be in any pain though, they should be able to supply her with pain relief and make her as comfortable as possible. If you do have any worries please ask one of the doctors or nurses to put your mind at rest. 

    This is my story... April 2015 (14 months ago) at the age of 26, I am now 27, my father at 63 was diagnosed with stage 4 'incurable' bowel cancer which had spread to his lungs and liver. He was offered palliative chemotherapy and the aim wasn't to cure him but hopefully try and manage the cancer to bide him more time. He started the chemo in the May and by the end of July he started suffering from excruciating stomach cramps over several days, it got to the point my mum couldn't sit back and watch him be stubborn so she phoned for an ambulance. At the hospital they said if it had been left another day my dad would have died because he was suffering from a bowel obstruction. They successfully removed 75% of his bowel along with the bowel cancer itself. However my dad's liver is completely covered in cancer which makes him 'incurable.' It's been a really tough year, our world's have been turned upside down. Never did I think we'd have to go through this, this happens to other people not us. But it has happened... there are good days and there are also bad days. The hardest thing I've seen though is catching my dad in a 'moment' of deep thinking where his eyes fill with tears, he thinks nobody can see him but I can and it really hurts. There's no pain like the fear of losing a parent, it's hard being around others who are living their lives moaning about the weather etc when our lives have stopped and we are surrounded by worry, sadness, pain. I get how you're feeling, your far from alone... x 

  • Offline in reply to Butterfly89

    My dad was just diagnosed last Friday with bowel/stomach cancer. They say it is terminal/incurable and that they won't opertae but can do chemo. They still need to give us more results on Friday this week, asbestos may also play a role. He has lost a lot of weight and his teeth look huge, he is a very proud man and he is in denial and is trying to find ways to get a 2nd opinion. He is Turkish and he wants to fly there and pay for treatment. If they say it is incurable is it really? How long is the chemo? What are we supposed to do in the meantime? Im so shocked and confused, we have a big close family which is amazing but also hard because there are so many emotions to deal with. Im tryin gto be the strong one and not cry at least not around him, weve made a strict rule of no morbid crying. Its hard though. 

  • Offline in reply to EmilyB

    Hello Emily, 

    So sorry to hear about your father's diagnosis of bowel cancer. What I can tell you though is that there is a difference between the terms 'incurable' and 'terminal'. When my Dad was told it was incurable I thought well isn't that a nicer way of saying terminal ? so I spoke to some incurable cancer patients who helped me understand the difference. Terminal is usually given to patients who may have less than 12 months to live and to those who have any treatment options, but incurable means although they can't cure the cancer it may be able to be maintained for quite a long time and the patient may be able to live a relatively normal life providing treatment works. But of course there will usually become a stage where incurable will develop into the word terminal. I'm taking it your father's been offered 'palliative' chemotherapy like mine? My father also lost a lot of weight I think about 4 stone in total when he was diagnosed 14 months ago, but since then he's put about 3 stone on so is almost back up to his previous weight as he's been keeping himself well and you kind of forget he's got cancer sometimes. Chemo is usually for about 12 weeks then they do a CT scan to see if the chemo has shrunk any of the cancer then they go from there, if it has then they will probably carry on with that type of chemo and if it hasn't worked then they'll put him on a different type of chemo which is what happened with my Dad. In the meantime there's nothing we can do but sit and hope that a miracle comes along for our Daddies. It's extremely hard not knowing what will happen but just spend quality time with him creating memories and taking photos/videos. I cried once in front of my Dad at the beginning and haven't cried in front of him or my mum since. I try to be strong just like you, I feel if he sees me strong then he will remain strong too. My dad doesn't like to be constantly reminded he's got cancer or to be treated any different. And to be honest he's right, I think this is what keeps him positive and well. Be kind to yourself and if you need to shout or cry then do so even if it's in private or to a friend etc. What treatment is your dad looking to have in Turkey? 

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    Hi Wolds,

    All I can do is agree with Butterfly89's comments.Make the most of the time available but try not to give up hope. 

    Please don't take the estimate of 3-6 months as being accurate in any way. These figures are always based on averages and are frequently wrong in both directions.

    In my case the figures were wrong in the right direction and, despite still having an incurable diagnosis, 18 months after the most optimistic estimate I'm still alive and kicking.

    If the worst case scenario happens, as it did with my own Mum, there is no reason your Mum should be in any pain at the end. Pain management is an important part of end of life care. My Mum also had bowel cancer and had a peaceful end at the age of 70, with well-managed pain relief. She fought long and hard and also exceeded the time she was given, she enjoyed two extra happy years due to a combination of surgery and chemo.

    It has become a cliché but the cancer journey is an emotional roller-coaster ride for everyone involved, often very scary but in the end we do all get through it somehow. 


    Best wishes
    Dave

     

     

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    Well my Mum fought as along as should could. She pass away a week last Sunday. I have her funeral tomorrow . She did not suffer at the end, Me my Dad and sister were there when she took her final breath. I loved my mum so much and she will be missed everyday. Hope I can get through tomorrow Thank you all for your kind words.
  • Offline in reply to Wolds

    So sorry to hear about your Mum, but pleased to hear that she didn't suffer and that she had a peaceful end with her family around her.

    Best wishes
    Dave.

     

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