Hi all,

Just found this forum and I hope someone can help me and, more importantly, my Mum out. This might get long, so apologies in advance.

In September 2013 my Aunt (my Mum's sister) was diagnosed with Terminal Lung Cancer. She smoked her whole life and, even when she was told repeatedly to quit, she didn't, so honestly, it wasn't a huge surprise.

At this point I should give you a little background. My Aunt and I have never really gotten on. I don't know why, she's just never liked me. My Cousins, she adores, but me, I've always been the black sheep, ever since I was a kid. There's also always been tension between my Mum and her siblings; they were not nice to her when they were kids. Mum's always tried her best to keep the peace but, after my Gran died the family just sort of drifted apart. Then my Aunt decided to move to the street below ours. For years my Mum looked after my Aunt's house whilst she worked abroad. There's a lot to this that I won't go into as I'm trying to keep this short! But, basically, if something needed doing in the UK that my Aunt couldn't do from abroad, Mum did it.

During this period we never saw my Uncle (Mum's younger brother). He lived a few miles away, but he never visited us. We only saw him after he got a divorce and he moved closer to us.

One day, in 2000, Mum got mugged on her way back from work. After a few years Mum decided to move away from there and, eventually, ended up around 70 miles away from Aunt and Uncle.

So that's the abridged history!

After the diagnosis things carried on as usual; we'd visit a few times a year when we could. Both Mum and I have health problems, so we couldn't visit too often.

Then, of course, the Cancer got worse. Last year, around this time, we visited, but my Aunt and I had an argument. I was trying to stick up for Mum, but my Aunt doesn't like that! We thought we'd patched things up, but a few weeks after Mum and I got home I got a letter from my Aunt. It wasn't nice. The worst thing was that, knowing me as she does, she knew I'd likely not show it to my Mum so as not to upset her, so to be 100% sure my Mum knew what she'd written, she sent a copy to her. As it happened, Mum got her copy the day before I got mine. Nice. Thankfully it didn't affect our relationship, but Mum (and I) really didn't want to have anything more to do with Aunt, so we didn't.

Then Christmas rolled around. Mum was still hurting; she'd had a birthday and Christmas card from both Aunt and Uncle, but I'd had neither and she felt bad for me. We hadn't spoken to them for anout six months by then, when Mum's cousin phoned to say that Aunt was now seriously ill and, if Mum wanted to see her, now would be the time. So, pride swallowed, Mum called.

We ended up going down for New Year. Aunt seemed very ill and was apologetic for the letter. Apology accepted, New Year was OK.

We've since been down a couple of times to try and give Uncle (now Aunt's Registered Carerer) a break and also to keep Aunt company and give her some female company. All's been going fine. Until the last time we visited. Not going into details, it now transpires that Aunt wants Mum to visit on her own. Mum doesn't drive, however. So the deal is, I drive Mum 70-odd miles, leave her, drive home, then drive back a few days later to collect her. I don't mind the driving, what I do mind is leaving my 74 year old Mother to care for her sister 24/7 for four days, without having someone there to help her in the event she needs some. Example: last time we stayed, Aunt woke in the early hours shouting something nonesensical. Uncle's phone was off, so he was no help. Aunt lives in an assisted living bungalow and so we called them asking for help, but apparently no-one's available during the night! Fantastic! Fearing something was really wrong I ended up calling 999, but Aunt insisted she didn't want an ambulance. Now, I know for a fact that there's no way Mum could cope with this on her own. So I DO NOT want to just dump her there and leave her.

So this was explained in the weekly telephone call that Mum makes (and, increasingly fears making). And, in fact, has been explained at least four times, the first time being face-to-face when it was first brought up.

It also looks like the ugly words used in the letter of a year ago have raised their heads again. Uncle said that Aunt wants to speak to Mum without being "evesdropped on". Because, apparently, the last time we were there I was always around so they couldn't talk. Here's a thought, say, "I'd like to talk to your Mum alone" and I'd go out! Evesdropping! Geez. Then I was called a bully... again. Because I want to support my Mum?!  Uncle then said something along the lines of, "Well, if you're going to choose your daughter over your sister, you'll have to live with that". O... M... G! Mum was, understandably upset.

Let me be clear: my Mum is NOT saying she won't go and see her sister, she just needs me to a) physically get her there and, b) help her once there. My Mum's got arthritis of her spine and just had an X-Ray on Friday to see if her vertebre have collapsed. They know she's ill, but they never ask how she is! They only care about themselves!

I know that this post comes over as hateful, but it's not meant to. I'm just SO frustraited at what's going on! I don't care what they say about me, I've had it almost 40 years! I'm used to it. But it hurts Mum! Everytime they say something against me, it hurts her.

The situation is now ridiculous. She's basically being blackmailed into going down and being an unpaid carerer which will start at three or four days and end up being a week going on what happened last time. I won't be there to support her because I'm not welcome and Uncle will be unreachable if anything happens!

Oh yeah, and Aunt doesn't have any actual trained carerers coming in, so Mum would have to do everything whist she's there. I did mention she's 74 didn't I? Does it seem right to you that a 74 year old woman with a spinal disability and a hernia should have to physically lift her sister out of bed/off the loo etc. if needs be? 'Cause that doesn't seem right to me.

Mum doesn't know what to do. She's so upset, this is pulling her apart. She's being made to choose between her sister and her daughter! We just don't know what to do. Mum doesn't know I'm writing this. I don't know if she'd approve or not, but we need some advice from somewhere, so I was really hoping someone could help?

Again, I know I sound horrible, but I really have to look out for my Mum, because this is slowly killing her and I can't sit back and watch it anymore! I'm at my wits end, I just don't know what to do!

If anyone has any advice, I'm all eyes!

Thanks,

Loups.

P.S: Sorry if this is in the wrong place, I wasn't sure where to put it. L.