Hi everyone,

in February I got a call from my mother telling me she had cancer. I had just come back from a business trip to the US and found out that while I was having a good time in the sun she had been admitted to hospital, for terrible pain in her kidneys and didn't tell me about it in order not to worry me.  She was rushed to another hospital specialised in cancer research (she lives in France) and stayed there for 7 days and was told it was cancer but noone knew (or disclosed) yet what kind. She had cancer before; breast first 13 years ago (very agressive but she bravely fought the battle during 4 years), skin 2 years ago (which was quickly resolved). 

Nothing else happened for another 3 weeks, and she was finally told it was a NSCLC stage 3 2B and that they could only offer  palliative treatment - the kidneys were only attacked by a secondary cancer from the lungs - she never ever touched a cigarette. They could not do any surgery or radiotherapy but wanted to try a chemo to try and slow down the disease. She lost her appetite and a lot of weight with it, and started the chemo. She did a couple of rounds, which left her exhausted and at the beginning of April, other tests revealed that the main tumor in her right lung had grown from 7cm to 12cm, and that the cancer had now spread even further, including her liver and all over her abdomen.

At this stage she was so weak and her blood test results so bad that the Drs recommended they stop the chemo. They did a blood transfusion, which made her feel better and suggested she tries a round of immunotherapy. She wasn't sure about it as there is so little information about it but they promised her there would be no side effect. She tried it and got extremly sick and decided to stop everything. The Drs told my father that the cancer is now eating through one of her veins and that she could die any time between now and 2 months.

Now she is at home with my father, and nurses visiting twice a day to give her the care she needs; she gets food through IV during the night as well as pain killers and hydration and things to calm the fever and what feels like a hundred different pills to address all the symptoms she has. She sleeps a lot and has fever every day and her stomach and ankles seem really swollen and I noticed that her skin has turned a bit yellow. Her face has swollen too with the cortisone.

There are so many things I'd love to ask her but I can't. She only talks about unsignificant things like the weather and I don't know whether I should talk to her or not - I feel like I will regret not talking about important things when she goes, I feel like I don't know her as a woman, I don't know who she is, what her dreams were or whether she was happy with her life... is it normal to have these questions in your head?

I visited her 3 times in 2 and a half month but I am not sure I will be able to go again in the next 3 weeks and I'm terrified she won't make it until my next visit. Next Sunday is Mother's day in France and I know it will be her last and I won't be there with her.

I still cannot believe what the Doctors said about her having no more than 2 months and every time my phone rings I am scared to answer it.

I know I'm no different than thousands of other people trying to cope with the terminal disease of a parent - I wish I had answers to all these things that go around in circle in my head...