Hello everyone,
Maybe you have read my previous posts, if not my boyfriend (35 yrs old) has lung cancer and he is not talking or chatting with anyone and as far as I know the only person who knows he has cancer is me. He is living with his parents right now and in a different country so I have no way to know about him but through chat or phone.

We have not really talked about what doctors said. I know he will get chemo and that the doctor told him there is a 25% percent of chances for the chemo to work. He is really sad and upset and dealing with all of this practically by himself and I have no information about what's going on, but BTW he keeps smoking and when he says something he says he would be already dead. 

I told him I can to move to Denmark with him right away to help him and be with him. I can do that and dedicate myself mainly to him and help him but he said not that it was overwhelming for him. He knows I'm here for him if he needs to talk, scream, argue or cry or whatever he needs. But nothing. I know nothing about him and I'm getting crazy, that crazy that I went to Denmark "as a surprise" willing to not back home, but he asked me to go back. He say he loves me so much but he needs time to accept it.

I don't dare to call him or ask by chat o email to not makes him uncomfortable or sad. I'm scared to call and to write since he wanted to break up with me "to not make me suffer" and it's much harder to deal with all those situations when you are so far away. The only thing I can do is to chat with you guys and pray.

Sometimes I get really upset because is unfair. The cancer is there, that won't change and if someone is offering you all the love and care in the world and you presume to love that person back the less you can do is to tell what's going on. Other times I feel my help is a pice of crap and my love has no value. We were planning to live together soon and to have kids and share our lives forever. I love him no matter what, I would give my life for him if I could and I would love to support him but the only thing I can do is to wait as he is not letting me do anything.

Later I get upset I regret as I know he is having a much more harder time than me and I feel guilty.

I'm getting crazy. I'm scared all the time. Sometimes I want to disappear, to die and not have to deal with this worry and sorrow. I'm having therapy with my psychologist and I'm taking antidepressants but are not enough.

I need to know what the doctor said what the situation is and the options we have. Sometimes I think he needs someone to kick his you know what and make him react to start to work on it and have positive attitude but I don't dare to be that person as I'm afraid to lose him.

I don't know what to do. There are lots of emotions.

Thank you for reading me, I needed to write this and let my feelings go out with no shame or judgement.

Thank you so much.

Fany.