Please help me to help


My boyfriend was diagnosed with lung cancer 3 weeks ago. His first reaction was to break up with me. Later he told me what was going on and he said he doesn't want me to suffer during the chemotherapy and the treatments. Then I went to see him as we are not living together and now we seem to be ok. He is living with his parents right now as we got a house that still need some work. The thing is his parents doesn't know about the cancer. The only person who knows is me. He doesn't want to talk about the cancer at all. In fact the only thing I know is the doctor told him he can get chemo and see if it works, the doctor also said he has 25% of chances to react positively to the chemo. But I really don't know what that percentage means, or what other options there are.

 

When we have talked about cancer (2 times) he gets really upset and sad. He is taking this alone and in my opinion that's not good at all. He is sometimes very negative saying he would like to be already dead and I don't feel him positive about the treatment and all that negativism makes me negative. I want to stay positive and make him feel positive and with strength to do whatever it takes. I would like to get more information from him (what the doctors said, what's next, what's gonna happen) to investigate and I also would like to encourage him to get a 2nd opinion and the options he can have and make him feel a little less negative. 

 

I'm scared, he don't want to take his mobile to write or talk, and I don't want to talk about it to not make him uncomfortable the few times we are having contact. I want to help but I don't know how.

  • hi when i was told i had cancer bang my world fell appart i would not accept this every one got it i was angry and scared doctors can only tell patients 25% 35% no more he has got to tell his parents and let you in to share when i accepted the things i could not change deal with it a day at a time

    and be kind to yourself it gets better be strong i am  3 years after my bone marrow transplant and life is great let me know if i can help further regards mark

  • Hi,

    Thank you so so much for your reply, I really appreciate it. 

    How is that the doctors can say only 25% 35%, is it like an standard to not create false expectations?

    What would you recommend me to talk with him and stay there?

     

    Have a good day!

  • HI ITS AS HARD FOR CLOSE FAMILY DEALING WITH THE CANCER WHEN I WAS IN HOSPITAL GOING THROUGH ALL THE CHEMO MEDICATION AND SIDE AFFECTS MY BED WAS CHANGED BREAKFAST LUNCH AND TEA,ALL DONE FOR ME MY WIFE AND BOYS WERE AT EVEY VISIT HAD TO COPE WITH ALL THE STRESS KEEP UP BEAT WAITING FOR RESULTS AND TESTS

    GOING IT ALONE ITS MADNESS TOGETHER YOUR STRONGER

    MARK

  • Hi Fany,

    I agree with the other posters, your boyfriend needs to tell his parents what's going on.
    He won't be able to hide the news away once he is on chemo and it's cruel not to tell them. Perhaps this is all part of him being in denial - talking about it might make it feel real and his mind isn't ready to accept the facts.

    I can understand in a way if he's thinking that not telling them will save them worrying but he is wrong. All it will do is make them wonder why he didn't tell them and could lead to them feeling rejected. 

    Good luck
    Dave

    ps the 25%/30% is just the average statistics and includes all age ranges and people with other problems on top of their cancer. If your body is fit and young it can cope with chemo better than someone who is frail and old - which makes a positive outcome more likely.  

  • Hi Davek, 

    thanks for your reply. I would like to ask your advice, how can approach him to start to talk?

    He is pulling everybody away from him. He barely told me about it, he is not speaking with friends, not family. 

    I went to see him as a "surprise" because I knew if I asked him if he wanted me to go, he would say no, so... I decided to go. Everything was going good until we started to talk about the "cancer topic".

    What do you recommend me to do? He is not even chatting me or calling me as he used to.

    Fany.

  • Hi Fany,

    I wish I could help, but that question is way outside my comfort zone - I wouldn't know where to start and my relationship advice would probably do more harm than good!
    Try posting a new discussion with the topic "How can I get him to talk" or something similar.

    Best wishes
    Dave

  • Hi, my bf was diagnosed with a brain tumor 3 weeks ago and within a week he had surgery and was in recovery we then find out its cancerous, he has told his family and friends and me everything and we have been there for him, my suggestion for you would be to talk to him no matter how hard it is for either of you, it has been so much easier on him for letting us all know, he hasn't gone through anything alone and there's always positivity, he is a bit more open with me than he is with family in the sense that he can cry it out with me and not feel any shame, that is one thing that has changed for us, there has been no shame and nothing to hide between us, it has helped us both in this difficult time and I would hope that it would help you both to talk it out, don't let it come between you, let it make you stronger 

     

    all the best x

  • Hi Fany,

    We're sorry you're having such a tough time at the moment but it's great you're staying positive and supporting him as much as you can.

    If you feel like you need to talk to someone about what you are going through you can call our nurses. They are available to talk to between 9 -5pm Monday - Friday and you can call them on our freephone number 0808 800 4040.

    Kind Regards,

    Steph