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How to comfort my partner who's mother is terminally ill?

amelia1994
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Hello everyone,  

This may be a long post but I desperately need help. 

I have been with my boyfriend (I'm 21, he is 24) for around 2 years now and I am very close with his family, mother especially. 

She had breast cancer around 5 years ago and it's come back as being terminal in the spine and liver in the past 8 weeks. It's devastating for everyone of course but especially for my boyfriend. I'm gutted too and wish I could press a button and make it all go away. I have never experienced anything like this and I don't know how people do it. 

He lives at home with his mother, younger brother (14) and stepdad. His older brother lives out of home. I feel like he is especially scared that when his mother leaves us he won't belong anywhere as its his stepdad and his son left behind and his older brother has his own life. 

He is very close with his mother and since this news hit he's been out drinking (doesn't help he works in a pub and suffers with ADHD) a lot more. 

I don't want to sound selfish in the slightest, as there are way more important things to deal with then my relationship right now, but I can't help but worry about what it will do to us?? That's normal right? It sounds awful doesn't it.

I'd rather he spend time with his family (which he is doing) but I'm only human and don't want this to effect us. He's snappy with me, phones me less and doesn't smile anymore. Plus more. 

I'm supporting him as much as possible, never push him to feel a certain way and always tell him he's loved and has someone to talk to e.c.t but on top of everything else I am worrying a lot about this. 

- how do I console him 

- how does this sort of news effect relationships and what can I do? 

- am I reading too much into things when I think our relationship isn't going well over things like snappiness and not wanting to see me as much e.c.t 

- how would he be feeling right now? I haven't got a clue :( 

- similar experiences anyone???? 

- what not to do? (Automatic reaction is telling someone to cheer up when they're sad around you. I kick myself every damn time.) 

.... I've got more questions but will leave it at this for now. All sounds a bit childish I know but I don't know how to phrase it 

 

thank you in adance x

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    Hi Amelia, I felt really bad for you when I read your post. I want to welcome you to the forum though, and so glad you posted. You have a real challenge ahead of you here as you likely know by now. You are young and really don't have the life experience to know how to deal with these serious issues. From what you've said about your boyfriend, it would seem that he also has other issues besides being faced with the impending death of his Mom. Having ADHD is a real challenge in and of itself and persons with it, do not cope well with many every day issues, much less a serious issue of losing his Mom. This is likely way over your head and I hope you have your own family, i.e. parents to help you with this. Your boyfriend's drinking is only making things worse for him and certainly isn't going to help him. What he is doing with alcohol is self-medicating which is a very dangerous thing to do at any time, let alone under the stress he is under. I would strongly suggest that you encourage him to seek counselling and he should be able to get a referral through his family doctor. Keep in mind that you can't make him do anything he doesn't want to do, so don't blame yourself if he refuses. If he continues to behave the way he is, you may have to put some space between you for your own well-being. Don't fight or argue with him, this will only make things worse. Let him know you love him and would like to help him, but you really don't know how. You need to take care of yourself here, remember that, and if he refuses to get help to get through this, then if he continues to engage in dangerous behaviour i.e. drinking, you may need to back off.

    Come back here and get support for yourself, and let us know how you get along. Take care of yourself and sending you hugs.

    Lorraine

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