Hi, I'm new on this site and felt the need to connect with others who are perhaps going through the same experience, if nothing else perhaps just writing things down will help me. My mother is 83 and was diagnosed with blood cancer 4 years ago. The world wind that followed has been a rollercoaster with everything from me having to 'fight' medical staff about her care in hospital, wrong drugs being perscribed, drugs which she was allergic to, giving her injections [I hate needles!] at the same time having to leave my job, go freelance, getting into serious financial problems, nearly losing the house, drinking too much to numb the pain and block things out, etc etc.  Once I managed to get her on an even keel with correct medication, I took a hard look at myself and my life and decided I had to keep afloat for myself and my family, so with help, I stopped drinking a year and a half ago, looked after myself and the arthritis I was diagnosed with at the same time, focused more on my family who seemed to take a back seat for this period of time, sorted out the financial issues leaving us with little money but enough to get by and even started redecorating the house which was looking as tired as I was.

The past 4-5 months have taken a turn for the worse with my mum. She is a proud and stubborn woman and strong in mind, but her body has started to give up with the last of the chemo she can take, muscle wastage because of age, loss of appetite so dramatic loss of weight and endless blood tests and treatments.  She has fallen twice in the last 6 weeks [not her fault she says but the carpet, her shoes, etc but it is the muscle wastage and dragging her foot], both resulting in ambulances and trips to A&E [10 hour stretches] and overnight stays, cuts to her legs resulting in endless dressings as the wounds don't heal quickly and a general lack of confidence.  I bought her a 3 wheel walker to give her more stability if she wants to pop to the shops but it has been an uphill struggle to get her to use it, you'd think I'd asked her to shave her hair off.

I get emotional calls every morning about not being able to put her shoes on and 'what should she do?', TV not working, wants to go to the hairdresser so 'should she get a taxi' etc. In short, I feel totally emotionally torn with feelings ranging from anger and resentment through to guilt and sadness. I get tired every day with my arthritis, my daughter has anxiety issues [apparently a throw back to when we as a family were stressed with house/finances etc] so between the 3 of us, I am constantly at hospitals, GPs, nurses, counsellers, pharmacists and I can't help thinking 'when is this going to end?'. I have to cancel seeing any friends I have left, my 'career' is long gone and my confidence has taken a dive too as not sure I am going to be able to do any job if/when the time comes.   I am just functioning with each day being groundhog day.  

Her consultant is a great support and when we saw her last week, after hearing of the falls and probably taking one look at me, gave my mum a bit of a telling off for not even considering accepting any additional help at home, even just to help her get set for the day. The consultant, and my worry is that if mum has another fall she could break something and will lose all independence and end up in a care home. None of us want this. I completely understand the need for mum to keep some control, I get it, but I am at pains to try and help her to accept that she can't do some of the things she used to be able to do and help herself to enjoy the things she can.  I can't do lots of things because of my arthritis and I have to rest and miss out on some social gatherings if I am having a flare, but I have to just listen to my body and accept it is a bad day.  

Mum is also closed off to any assistance other than mine [although she will say 'she doesn't ask for my help!] and I am frankly on edge every day and don't want to end up being resentful towards my mum in her final months if that is the case.

I give myself a good talking to every day, I think today has just been a rather challenging day.  I think I am just trying to ingrain that there is nothing that will alter the current situation, only the way I try and deal with it ... but I am worn out. Sorry for rambling.