Hi Louc,

I can understand what you're going through. My mum was diagnosed with cancer of the esophagus back in 2012. After an aggressive course of chemo and radiotherapy (at the same time) she seemed to be recovering. Unfortunately it resurfaced in 2014. At this point I became her carer as my dad couldn't cope and went into psychiatric care. 

I was fortunate the first time mum was diagnosed as my employer gave me access to free counselling which helped me talk through my emotions. I realised that I was focussing too much on mum's feelings and fears rather than my own. It helped me to understand that it was mum's illness and she had to deal with it in whatever way she chose. 

During her second illness she started palliative chemo but her body reacted badly to the drugs and she ended up in hospital for 3 weeks with chronic diarroeah. I was having to juggle looking after my parents' house, pet dog, visiting mum and dad individually and trying to get dad across the city to visit mum. 

The hardest thing for me was making the time to look after myself. You mention that you have to be strong for the rest of your family. We all deal with situations differently and have different coping mechanisms. One thing I found out eventually is that you can't be there for everyone else all of the time. 

If you neglect your own physical and mental well-being it's is only detrimental to your own life. People around you will continue living each day their own way regardless.

The main advice I would give you is to keep communicating. I don't say keep talking as that's not the only way. Don't feel afraid to express your fears to those closest to you, your emotions are no less important than anyone else's. I also found that ' blogging' mum's journey through her illness on here was quite cathartic too. Sometimes it helps just to get those thoughts down in writing.

Feel free to read my own journey but bear in mind for me there was no happy ending - you might find that upsetting.

I'm sure others will have their own advice and experiences to share with you on here too. 

Just remember that there is no right or wrong way to deal with this situation. 

Hello Louc, 

So sorry to hear about your mother's diagnosis. 

Your poor mum's really been through such a tough roller coaster of a journey over the years hasn't she. It's no surprise you are struggling with this news. Nobody wants to see someone they love so seriously ill it's heartbreaking. I don't believe there's a right or wrong way in coping I just think we handle the situation we are in the best we can. Keeping positive can be very hard. But I'm sure your mum doesn't want to see you struggling or getting upset, so if you're able to then try and be brave in front of her. It may even inspire her to be brave also. If she ever does feel well enough then perhaps do some things that she enjoys doing, even if it's a walk in the park, cinema, pub lunch or sit in a coffee shop...it's something. Try and create some memories of possible however you wish to choose. It might even lift her mood and give her something to smile about. 

I'm 27, I have a two year old little boy. My father was diagnosed exactly a year ago with stage 4 'incurable' bowel cancer which by then had already spread to his lungs and liver. He was put onto palliative chemotherapy a month later in May. He would go once every 2 weeks to the hospital for his chemo. End of July he started getting these stomach cramps and over the course of 3 days they went from bad to worse. In the end my mum phoned for an ambulance and he was taken to hospital. His bowel had obstructed (caused a blockage) and was ready to burst, he needed an emergency operation. They removed 75% of the bowel which also got rid of the bowel cancer. But it's the lungs and liver that they are unable to treat apart from giving him some chemo to help control things and hopefully extend his life a bit more. Since the operation he's not needed chemo as the cancer had stabilised. But January this year he needed to go back onto chemo because there was some growth on the lungs. The next thing he ended up getting a blood clot in his arm which then travelled to the brain causing him to have a stroke. He's recovered very well and they aren't looking to put him back onto chemo at least until July whilst he's still in recovery from the stroke he had in February. How do I cope? I'm not too sure if I'm totally honest...I guess I have found some inner strength which helps me through the days. I remain positive for his sake and he's not seen me cry once since he was first diagnosed. We've managed to take photos and videos and build some memories and will continue to do so. I love my Dad he's always been a permanent figure in my life and I've never lived without him and I'm not too sure how I will ever live without him in the future. But I feel lucky to have an amazing Dad and I make the most of time now with him and the rest of my family. I try to focus on the here and now rather than worry about what lies ahead I will deal with that as and when it comes but until then we've got some living to do. 

Big hugs to you x 

Thank you for taking the time to reply to me.

We had a particularly awful day yesterday because we found out that mums chemo is not working. We have to wait a week now to find out if they are going to try her on something else. I have read that second line chemo treatments donts usually work though.

Im not ready to loose her i doubt i ever will be.

So sorry to hear your mother's chemo is no longer working. I really do hope they are able to offer her some sort of other treatment. I know it will be a worrying and anxious week until you know but if there's questions you think you might like to ask then it might be a good 8dea to write it down on a piece of paper beforehand. 

Despite knowing how ill someone is I don't think you'll ever be truly ready or prepared for what may happen. Sometimes I think I've fully accepted my father's cancer but I know deep down I never will. My father's due to start 2nd line chemo in July/August.