Dear Wendy, Thank you so much for your reply which I found very helpful. I have sent you a private message. X

Dear Dunanat1,  That's incredibly kind.  Thank you so much. X

Loving mother. I too am going through almost exactly what you described with your son. I keep hoping my son will want to talk about anything before he dies but er all just walk around in silence while screaming inside. He doesn't want to talk to hospice or talk about dying. Everything is superficial.  

Dear Charlotte,

I'm so terribly sorry to hear about your son. My son didn't want to talk about dying either. He didn't want people from the hospice to visit him at home until it became unavoidable. I knew though that he was afraid of dying in pain and I did tell him that I would make absolutely sure that that didn't happen but he would have preferred it if I hadn't broached the subject and I now wish I hadn't. I think you're absolutely right not to make your son talk about anything he doesn't want to talk about. Well meaning staff at the hospital where my son had received his treatment kept saying that I should tell him that I loved him, and I did tell him, but I know he knew how much I loved him and I know that he loved me too. 

I remember that in my son's final days I went from living from day to day to living from hour to hour. I couldn't see the future at all and I couldn't believe that I'd be able to carry on living after he had died. I found it incredibly hard when he stopped wanting to eat since as a mother every part of my being wanted to feed him and to keep him comfortable and free from pain. If it's any help I would say that in my experience having to endure watching a beloved child suffer and deterioate is actually worse than coping with the period after their death. I can't express how much I miss him and the profound effect his death has had on me but at least I don't have to deal with watching him suffer any more. 

I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. I'm sending you my warmest wishes.

Loving mother I am so and for what you went through,  at the same time I must say you are the first mother I can directly relate to. Somehow that gives me some comfort.  My boy is Dillon. He has been sleeping for the most part the last 2 days. He doesn't want to talk even when he wakes. I do keep praying for 1 more good conversations with him. We used to talk all the time.

Hello, I've been searching for somebody in a similar situation to mine. I've just posted my first post tonight, my 33 year old son died 6 weeks ago from leukemia, I'm wondering what happened to your son [@LovingMother]‍ as I notice the post is 2 years ago, but I'm hoping you can reply to me, no matter who I speak to the most significant thing is nobody I know has been through this and I feel a lack of understanding even from those close to me. I have 2 other children, they are heartbroken as well, it's so difficult to even know where to begin to have any normality from now on. My son didn't have a partner, had no children but it was something he always wanted, just feel we've lost so much, can't stand the pain of losing him and feel there is nowhere to turn. Would love to hear from you, best wishes, Veramary

Dear Veramary,

I’m so terribly,terribly sorry to hear about your son. 

My son died two and a half years ago. I remember so well feeling as you described - that even well meaning friends and family had no idea of what I was feeling and even questions such as ‘Did you have a good Christmas’ were incredibly upsetting and showed that they had absolutely no idea what I was going through. It used to make me furious when people compared the experience of losing a child to losing a parent or friend or said things like ‘Time heals’. 

I remember not being able to comprehend how I could go on living without my son. The pain I felt seemed unendurable. I was also completely traumatised by having had to watch him through his treatment, even though he never complained. 

Have you joined ‘The Compassionate Friends’? It’s an organisation for parents whose children (of all ages) have died. They have a forum so you should be able to find other mothers whose adult children have died recently and share how you are feeling, or just see how others manage to carry on without their children.  They also hold meetings but I’ve never been to one of them as there aren’t any in my area. 

Their contact details are:

t: 0354 123 2304 e: helpline@tcf.org.uk

There are some topics that I don’t think you’d find elsewhere. 

When you say you can’t see how you will ever have any kind of normality I’d say that eventually, in my experience anyway, you’ll find a different normality from the one you had before your son’s death. One book I found helpful was ‘Beyond Tears; Living after Losing a Child’. It was written by several American women who’d all lost adult children and I found I could identify with much of what they said. Their conclusion was that, eventually, they came to live in what they called a ‘shadow grief’. 

Please do PM me if you would like to. Again, I am so very sorry you are having to go through this. 

Hello LovingMother,

Thank you for your reply, I had so much to deal with this past couple of weeks, I'd almost forgotten about this forum. The past few days have been quiet for me and I was doing ok, then suddenly this morning I have somewhere to go and I don't want to, the tears won't stop and I can only think of my son. It's as if people will think I'm over it because they see me for an hour or two and I cope in that time. I can't explain the feeling, I have flashbacks to the treatment he went through, to the day he was told he would only live a week or two and the heartbreak of going to  the hospice, I so,wanted him to come home, but they said the travel would be to much and the services in my area weren't adequate to provide the care he needed, I wish I could change so many things. 

I will look at the website you've suggested, thanks so much again for your help.

Dear Veramary,

I'm so terribly sorry for what you're going through. I do hope you find 'the Compassionate Friends' helpful and that it will be of some comfort to have contact with other parents grieving for their children.  I think everything you describe is natural for someone who has just lost their son; sometimes crying continually, thinking only of your son and then at other times being able to look as if you're coping well is all absolutely normal. 

I'm so sorry you're having flashbacks to your son's treatment and what he went through - I did too (and sometimes still do) and found that one of the hardest things to deal with. I still re-live my son's final weeks and wish some things could have been done differently. I still feel guily that he died in a hospice rather than at home but it just wasn't possible to get basic things he needed like oxygen and really effective pain relief at home so we had to spend the last 18 hours of his life in a hospice. However the flashbacks I have now are not as bad or as freqent as they once were. 

I hope you are able to be kind to yourself. It's still very early days for you. I hope you find the Compassionate Friends helpful. They have tips on things like how to get through Christmas and also have meetings which you may find helpful if you feel up to going to them.

With my very best wishes.

i just found out four days ago my son also has terminal cancer brain lungs and bowel i am heartbroken but i just need to know how long he has and if his pain will lessen