Hi LovingMother

Welcome to Cancer Chat. I am very sorry about your son.

If you call our nurse helpline, they will be able to advise you about support groups for parents of young adults.

You can call the team on freephone: 0808 800 4040 from Monday to Friday, 9am to 5pm.

Please come here to share your feelings anytime you feel it will help. There are others here who will understand how you are feeling now.

Best wishes

Jane

Hi Lovingmother

For a mother to see her son go through this dreadful disease is the toughest thing anyone will go through and you deserve some support. Give your hospital a call and ask about support groups. If they dont run one themselves they will be able to put you in touch with any locally run groups. Our hospital runs a support facility for cancer patients and their families. It includes 5 free complimentary treatments for the patient or their family members. There is also a support group who meet regularly to share their experiences and feelings. There is access for counselling too and CBT. Our local hospice also runs groups and you dont have to have a family member being treated by the hospice to be eligible.

I have cancer and my partner has been just as affected by it as me. She finds meeting with those at the group, sharing and discussing common things, very beneficial. Kim

Hi Jane,

Thanks very much indeed for your reply. 

I have found that support groups are usually for people who are being treated for cancer and their friends and families or for people who have been bereaved and that the patients are usually much older than my son.    However, I will certainly give the nurses a call and I am very grateful to you for your advice.

Hi Kim, Thank you very much for your reply. The hospital where my son received his treatment is a considerable distance from our house so I would not wish to go to support groups near there as I do not like to be away from my son for long.   Our local hospice does have coffee mornings for the friends and relatives of terminally ill people but everyone currently being looked after by the hospice are a great deal older than my son. They have offered me some counselling though which will begin next week.  

I am very glad that your partner had found such a supportive group though and I wish you both the best.

Dear Lovingmother 

I am so sorry  to hear about your son. I lost my beautiful daughter at 26 in October 2014 after a 9 month battle with stomach cancer. We knew she was terminal from the beginning of December 2013 it was such a dreadful time I know exactly how you must be feeling and my heart goes out to you. We had a lot of support from the district nursing team and the Macmillan nurses who came out to help towards the end but for the most part we supported each other as a family. Aimee wanted to get married before she died so we spent a lot of time organising everything she wanted and creating as many memories as we could which was heartbreaking but kept us going. Being a mother in this situation is so very difficult you are trying to deal with your own unimaginable grief and keep strong for others I have two other daughters who needed me then and still do now. I had to scream and sob in private, still do so as not to make things worse for them I looked for support groups for parents of adult children but didn't find anything which is how I came across this forum.There seemed to be groups for parents of young children and for partners of cancer sufferers but nothing for parents in our situation .There are no words of comfort for what you are going through it is hell on earth and an unimaginable position to be in I don't know to this day how I got through it and how I am still dragging myself through every day but I am and you will too in honour of your son. I am not very good with this social media thing so don't know if it is politic or indeed possible for you to contact me direct perhaps the moderator could advise but I would be quite happy to do so if you felt it would help at any point. I think as much as others try to understand and help you only know what it's like if you have been there. I hope your son is not in pain and that you are able to spend as much precious time as you can with him. Sending my heartfelt thoughts to you and your family 

Wendy x

Hi Wendys1

If you and LovingMother would like to send eachother private messages, that is the safest way to contact eachother directly via Cancer Chat.

You will find tips on how to set up private messaging here.

Best wishes to you both,

Jane

Dear Wendy,    I'm terribly sorry to hear about Aimee. It is helpful to read about someone else who has been through what I'm going through now. I suppose what I really want to know is how people manage to get through this.  Like you, I have found that support groups are either for parents of young children or for those whose partners or parents have cancer. But being the mother of a young adult with cancer has its own griefs - my son was at University when he was diagnosed. His future was so very bright; he was expected to get a first, he played football for his college's team, he had fantastic friends and a wonderful girlfriend who wanted to marry him.  I know people mean well when they compare his situation to their partner's or parent's but it just isn't the same.             I'm very glad that you were able to arrange Aimee's wedding with her and to build up memories.                    I know that the time we have left with my son is very, very precious and he just wants to spend his time quietly at home with his family and girlfriend now. He doesn't want to do anything out of the ordinary and he doesn't have the energy for it.  He doesn't want me to refer to his illness at all unless it's absolutely necessary or even to ask how he is feeling.  He is nominally under the care of our local hospice now but he does not want them to come here.  He never, ever complains.   So I am in exactly the position you describe - I'm trying to keep things going for my son and my two other children but I just can't see how anyone gets through this.                I'm not good with this social media thing either but I've followed Jane's link and added you as a friend so that we can chat privately. Sending my heartfelt thoughts to you too.  x

Hi Jane,  

Thank you very much indeed for your advice.

I have sent Wendy a friend request so we can chat privately.

With best wishes.

Hello LovingMother

I can't begin to express how difficult getting through has been and still is but the reality is that we do not have a choice as mothers with other children to think of. I often thought that had Aimee been an only child I would have found it impossible to carry on as there would have seemed no point in life without her. Like your son Aimee was a very intelligent woman who gained a 1st in her maths degree became a well respected journalist and had the world at her feet when she became ill it just didn't seem fair she had worked so hard to achieve what she did in her short life. I spent a lot of time feeling incredibly angry still do if I'm honest. I only get through because I have two other daughters and a wonderful sister who has been there every step of the way. I have many days when I cry all day others when I just sleep and days when I sit and watch mindless television no two days are the same and I often break down unexpectedly for no apparent reason. I have been unable to listen to music since Aimee died and find it difficult to enjoy anything. I have accepted that I will never be truly happy again I just live a different 'normal' and try to get through every day without giving in to my grief I 'talk' to Aimee's photo every day and as a family we talk about her constantly she will always be with us. My only advice is to take one day at a time be kind to yourself don't let anyone tell you how you should be feeling and don't feel guilty if you can't function at times take any help offered to you talk when you need to and try not to let the fear of what is happening overwhelm you you will cope you will survive this and you will carry on living though at the moment I expect you can't believe that you will I didn't I thought I would die with Aimee part of me did but the rest of me is still here going to work and taking care of my family just as Aimee would have wanted it is the hardest thing you will ever have to deal with and you will without doubt feel that you can't do it but you will as I said earlier there is no choice for a loving mother which you obviously are sending my heartfelt thoughts Wendy X 

Dear LovingMother,

I am so very sorry to hear of your beautiful son's prognosis. My heart goes out to you and your family. I wish that there was something I could say to ease your pain, but there are just no words. X