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My boyfriend has cancer and I don't know how to leave

sadsheep
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Hello. I am facing a very difficult decision and I have done for many months now, and I really need help.

I am 20, so is my partner, over a year ago he has been diagnosed with cancer. I have been by his side for every step of this difficult journey. Whenever he needed me I was there, in fact I have put my life on hold just to support him, which didn't bother me, I knew I was doing the right thing and I was fully commited to supporting him emotionally as much as I can. I was so commited I forgot about myself, I have suffered from depression for many years, I have been quite stable since I've started taking medication and because of the fact I was focused on my boyfriend I 'didn't have time' for depression. 

He's an amazing guy, really is. And he was my first love, this is where the problem begins... he was. 

I have been avoiding thinking about myself and how I feel for the past few months, but recently my friend asked me whether I love him. When I asked myself that question I realised that I don't , and I haven't for a very long time. 

I am really struggling, I know how much of a heartache it would be for him if I was to leave, when I say leave I don't mean leave and never see him again. I would still be there as a friend, support him and be there for him (if he only wants me to).                It's never the right time to do this, he's either waiting for his results, or he feels low. I really don't want to put more on him but I'm really struggling myself. I feel trapped. I know I don't act right around him, I can see it and he can too but he chooses to ignore it because he's willing to do anything to keep me around. 

His family also rely on me a lot. I'm scared they will all hate me, my boyfriend the most. I'm scared they will think I'm leaving him because it all got too much for me and I couldn't handle the pressure, I'm scared my boyfriend will blame himself and I will do more damage... But at the same time surely I can't be doing any good pretending that I still love him when I don't. I care about him , and I will always have feelings for him but I feel like I can't move on. I'm really unhappy, and it kills me to think how upset he will be. 

My friends have recently got on my case about this as I have been avoiding talking about it. They're saying I should think about myself and my happiness because otherwise I will spend the rest of my life being selfless and unhappy and only thriving from making others happy... They're also really concerned about my mental health, as they don't want me to relapse.

 I really don't know how to break up with him.

Can you please share your thoughts on this, I'm really desperate and willing to listen to anyones advice to help me make this decision. 

Thank you.

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    Hi sadsheep

    The only way forward is to be brave, bring up the subject and talk it over, you may find the feeling is mutual and he is releived that you are going to be moving on. You can't fake love he will have noticed! Hoping that you sort things out amicably. Kim

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    Hi Sadsheep

    I can relate to what you have said, and I think it might help if you have some counselling.  The Counsellor will not tell you what to do, but will assist you by helping you to  talk everything through, and then you will be able to make those decision for yourself.

    If you decide you want to leave, and I think you already have, I am sure there will be lots of people who really dont understand, but they have no idea what your are truly going through (and living with cancer is truly horrendous).  But remember what someone elsse thinks of you is none of your business!!  However, there certainly will be people, including me, who can fully understand what you are doing.  You must do what is right for you, and no one else.

    Good luck. xx 

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    I would be devastated to discover that my partner were only staying with me because I was ill and not because that is where he/she wanted to be.

    Tasbean is right - you must do what is right for you and him and it is no-one elses business.  Be careful with remaining 'friends' though- that rarely works and may send mixed messages.

    Good luck with it all x

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    Hello sadsheep, 

    This must make you feel awful.   I agree that he would probably rather you did not stay with him out of pity.   He's likely to already know your relationship isn't what it was.   

    I hope you find the courage soon.   Perhaps you can be a good friend instead.

  • Offline in reply to Connie1308

    I've been on the other side of your story so I can't really relate but one thing is for sure. You should be happy and you shouldn't stay in a relationship if you didn't love the other person even if he has cancer. He wouldn't want that himself. You should be with someone because you trully love him and you are happy with him and not out of pity as Max told you.Be honest with yourself and him. Even if it is hard for your boyfriend I think he can feel the changes and he will be thankful in the long run. Everyone deserves to be happy both you and him.

    I don't know if you have ready my story here in the forum, maybe we could talk in private. I ll send you a friend request.

    Angie

    x

  • Offline in reply to angiep
    Hi Iv just read your post. I to have cancer. I was hoping we could chat please. X
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    Hi sadsheep

    welcome to the forum and I feel for you with the choice you must now make

    cancer has a habit of physically impacting the a patient, but mentally the impact to close loved ones is just and deep and harmful.

    You already have an inclination of what the right but difficult thing to do is for you. Although in the short term this is the most difficult path to take, unless taken, other options could lead to more long term issues that are just being masked at present.

    it is not your fault or responsibility that your boyfriend has cancer.

    try to put yourself in his position, if you had cancer but we’re being cared by him, but then found out post treatment that it was not done through love and devotion, but just because he did not think that telling you the truth at the time was the right thing to do.

    there is no easy option, but there is an option that is best for both of you and only you can decide what that is.

    you do have to look after yourself though as if you are feeling like this now, then at some point further down this journey, as cancer begins to mentally depleat you, how much of you is really left and the further you go into this path, the longer it will take to get back to what you know as your you.

    you have already made a massively brave step by opening up to us on here and that  in itself shows how much you care about your partner.

    be honest to yourself and fair to you boyfriend and from the pain will come the good

    i hope we have been of help

    vatch

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