Hi Caroline, I'm really sorry to hear about your dad. I don't expect your mum is expecting you to move back home. My mum has never done very well whenever my dad wasn't around, when he went away for work and things. However he passed away 4 months ago and I live next door, it still doesn't stop my mum being lonely when she is in the house by herself. It's such a change and not what they signed up for. My dad was 64 and my mum is 61 so far too young. Does your mum have any other family around her? Nobody wants to think of a parent sat at home lonely. I feel guilty that I'm sat here and my mum is next door. We do however eat together most nights and I go and turn her lights on before she comes back from work. You can only do so much though. Take care

Hi Caroline

I just read your post. Today a Dr told my dad that he had advanced lung cancer that had gone to the bone. There's a large tumour on his back (and lots of others elsewhere). Back pain prompted him to go to hospital (2 days ago), although he went in thinking he'd slipped a disk. We are learning new details day by day. We know its inoperable and they are talking in terms of palliative care. Im an only child, 28, and there's very little family around- we were always just a trio me, mum and dad. Unfortunately I dont live and work locally. Im in a job at a key point in my career working long hours. I've naturally taken some leave at the moment and am trying to work out how to fit work into commuting back for long weekends, and cramming things into longer working days. 

Im sad about dad (he's only 62), but hes a very upbeat strong person and like yours, very practical. I sort of know he will cope with the challenges ahead and he's always had a very pragmatic view about life and death. I worry about mum though. She has never lived on her own, there are so many things to think about. My job is going to take me around the country (and possibly abroad), its my passion and its taken a lot of hard work to get to this point. I can't take mum with me. I cant imagine her living alone either.

We talked a bit this evening, and I said that we would have to work out a plan. She's always talked about wanting to volunteer for the national trust and also join a choir. I think it will take a bit of gentle persuasion, but when she's ready I hope she pursues these interests. My work colleagues and our shared passion for our work means the ties I have with them often feel as strong as the ties I have with my own family. I hope I can help mum develop stronger networks of friends and ties too.

For now, stay strong, stay positive, think of the good times. Its been quite cathartic writing a post about today and the news. I hope this helps you in some small way.

Mel

Hi Michelle,

thank you so much for replying, and I'm terribly sorry that you've lost your dad. I'm sure the fact you live next door is a great source of comfort to your mum...I think sometimes the loneliness sets in whether we are surrounded by people or not, so to an extent it's unavoidable.

I've moved back home for a few months (parents live an hour away from where I work in London so luckily it is commutable) and I'll see where it goes from there. At the moment I just want to be with dad all the time but I know that's not realistic - work have been amazing but I will need to go back at some point!

It's comforting knowing that we are all in this together, and that we share similar worries and guilt trips. Cancer is a merciless devil and I wouldn't wish this feeling on anyone.

Hi Mel,

its a lot to take in, isn't it? I'm sorry you feel so conflicted and concerned. It's natural (I think) so have these kinds of thoughts and worries but I do think that our instincts will tell us what the right thing is to do. Have you told your work about what you're going through? Mine have been brilliant about it.

i guess we shouldn't try and think too far ahead because I don't know about you, but it is totally overwhelming. Our parents wouldn't want us to give up our lives for them, but equally I know I'd never regret making time to be with dad (and mum) as much as possible. The ways in which we are able to do that will differ for everyone. 

I hope that you (and I) are able to muddle our way through and find solutions to our worries. But for now, I think I just need to feel it. Ya know?

Take care Mel.

Hi there. Im 20, live at home at the minute (two brothers live abroad). Dad has late liver and stomach cancer. He had major surgery and is finishing 1st chemo with best option more surgery. I hope everything goes ok for all of you and you stay strong and have hope no matter what. I dont think my dad and i  spend time together is as it should be. I feel like we should do more together. we see eachother every day and we do every moment i can together. Our conversation is always casual and i feeel its best, i take his mind of things and for a while i hope he forgets about his upcoming scans and second stages of surgery But i feel if i asked deep questions to  him it could be scary for him as he looks to my face and he can tell what im thinking. So we act like everything will be ok. I hope and pray it will be. I just feel if he were to pass away  i would have so many unanswered questions and conversations i would have liked to have happened. But im afraid to scare and upset him. Its the same with my mum, she runs on full steam and never stops to think. I dont know how to talk to them on an emotional level without it becoming upsetting for them. the last thing i want is for either of them to break down as i think this could be traumatic for them. Can anyone advise how best to support them both. 

Hi Caroline

I know, precisely what you mean. It all feels like a bad dream. Its comforting other people are talking about these feelings. Thanks for the words. 

Take care too

Mel x

Pierreb56:

Its early days for me but I've found props can help start a conversation. We are surrounded by tvs and phones, but sometimes doing something quieter like play a board game or stop and sit a coffee together can help lead conversation. Props go further too, I brought a newspaper in to hospital today and used it when there were silences that felt like they needed to be filled. It helped everyone relax, joking about some of the stories. It can help build up confidence to then start talking about some of the big things. 

Thanks for the reply Mel, im going for coffee tomorrow with him so il hoepfully get to chat  abit more with him then. Il let you know how it goes. All the best