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My dad is dying and, selfishly, it's me that's struggling

LemonEmma
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My dad was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in July 2014. We were told it was caught early so his chances of survival were great. However, in just one month the cancer had metastasised to his liver and was inoperable, therefor my father's condition was terminal. Since January 2014 I have lived 500 miles away and I suppose you can say I chose to stay where I was to avoid having to deal with the situation I was faced with. I was 19 when he was diagnosed and I felt that having to face the potential of losing my dad was beyond me and I was too young for it. So I decided that rather than moving back home, I would continue to build my life away from my family, but would aim to visit home monthly. Although the last 18 months have been incredibly difficult, my decision appeared to be working until last week when I was informed that he was given 3-5 weeks to live. Now I suppose the reality of the situation and my dad's condition has really hit home and I'm struggling to cope. I can't even imagine how he is feeling. I live with my very supportive boyfriend, I'm a full-time university student and I work part time. I kind of feel like everything is crashing around me and the walls are closing in. I made the decision to take time off work and defer my university assignments so I can spend some time with my parents, but if I'm being completely honest I'm absolutely dreading it. I got on with my dad the most between my parents because we're so alike and I can't stand the thought of losing him now. We had a difficult relationship to begin with, but since I moved out it improved tremendously. I just don't know what to do with myself. I'm only 20 now and I feel like I'm too young to deal with this. I put on a brave face, but I'm starting to crack. I have a great support network where I am what with my boyfriend, friendship groups and my work colleagues. The support I lack is from my family - many who resent my decision to remain away from home while my dad was ill. I sometimes feel that because I can't physically see my dad's condition, if I forget about it then it's not really happening. I can only keep a brave face for so long. I appreciate you reading this, I just had to vent.

 

 

 

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    Hi Emma, I moved over 300 miles away from my mother and was resented for years by her and my siblings. Last year, the day after I found out my husband had terminal cancer, my son got a call to say my mother was dying. I did not even know she was ill. We rushed to see her but she had died 10 minutes before we got there. What I am trying to say is, do the best you can and then get back to your own life and make him proud as well as yourself.  Take care xx

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    Emma, although I understand what you are saying I am not so sure you are too young to be responsible for your feelings and those of your dad's.    I am worried that when he has gone you may feel guilt for not spending more time with your dad - I am terminaly ill myself and would be devastated if any of my children deliberately stayed away from me.  You will never get this time back and this is probably a frightening time for him.  Please make sure you don't do anything you will regret.

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    My dad is also terminally ill and is past his expiration date as it were. We take every day as it comes. It is so hard. He has been in hospital now for a week with pneumonia and although my mum and other siblings have been to see him, I have managed only once. My sister relayed to him that it's probably because I don't want him to see me get upset. That is true but for me, if I don't see it, it's not real. It was so hard going to see him, he looks so different. He looks weak and tired, not my dad as I know him. We are not a soppy family, we don't do hugs etc but we are still close. He has said things to me while he's been in hospital that I've never heard him say in my whole 28 years. It made me realise that no matter how hard it is, I have to be there for him. I don't have to be strong and I don't have to accept that he might not be here much longer but I cannot bury my head in the sand. These moments are precious now and I know how much he loves us and needs us. My life is on hold, my life will carry on. Right now my dad needs me. Just some food for thought xx

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    Thanks Emma your post has really helped me

    When my wife was diagnosed with cancer back in 2012, my son was 19 and my daughter 18 and we told them that she had cancer - in the circumstances we could hardly not as she'd been an emergency hospital admission. Wed didn't tell them that she was incurable and had a life expectancy of about 2 years (she made 3)

    We decided on a "don't ask don't tell" approach - they didn't ask so we didn't tell at least not specifics - my daughter did sometimes ask "You're not going to die are you?" and my wife would say "Not this year" - later on she said "Not this month" - she kept that last promise dying on the first of October.

    I was never quite sure whether we should have volunteered this information but I think from reading how you're struggling with knowing your fathers condition it's made me feel that we did the right thing.

    It's a tough thing and you're absolutely not alone in feeling unable to cope with it. Towards the end I called my kids - they were 21 and 22 by then and my daughter came in and saw my wife in the bed unconcious with the tubes and left after 10 seconds - she couldn't cope with that and I don't blame her at all. My son stayed some hours but left after that I don't think he felt able to cope with being here with her as she died - again I don't blame him at all it's the hardest thing I've ever done by a country mile.

    You know if I were in your fathers position I would be so proud of you, living independently at University and working at the same time (Wish my kids  would get a part time jobs - I keep telling them dungeons and drogons is not a job! :) ) I'm sure he'd like to see you but I can understand your difficulty at seeing him.

    Are you phoning him regularly? If you can't see him it may be easier to avoid the Elephant in the room, or e-mail even. Talk to him in some way but not talking about the cancer is probably great - he's probably sick and tired of the fuss going on around him constantly remindining him of what's going on and would love 10 minutes talking to you about what's going on in your life and other stuff so that he can forget the big C for a while and feel that you're happy and getting on with your life and will be just fine without him when he's gone.

    That's how I'd feel

    And it's not selfish to feel that you're struggling with coping with this. We all do. Those of us with loved ones dying from cancer go through so much pain, you can't put us in a scanner and see it and you can't get a surgeon to cut it out but it's every bit as real.

         

    Do what you can - it's all you can do

     

     

     

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