This is my first time posting on this site... I'm not really sure what I hope to get out of this but I thought i'd give it a go.

My mum was diagnosed over 18 months ago with terminal stage 4 lung cancer, since diagnosis she has been on a few different chemotherapy drugs, either on a trial or NHS funded and is now on Nivolumab - an Immunotherapy drug not yet available to all cancer types on the NHS but she has it privately.

When my mum was having chemotherapy I felt like I had completely lost her. Her weight plummetted from 10 stone to 7 stone, she lost her hair and i could see how much pain and discomfort she was in. I'm almost 24 and didn't really have a good relationship with my mum until I finished University at 21, but now i've had a really strong bond with her ever since. It was really hard for me to see her this way, my parents divorced when I was 11 and my mum has always been a high flying independent business woman who knows what she wants and how she's going to get it, who's always taken care of me. Seeing her so weak and unable was heartbreaking. I felt like a child, unable to help or do anything. It sounds silly but I hadn't heard her laugh for so long, and I feel like 6 months went by where I didn't even have a real conversation with her, because she was just unable to.

In contrast to chemotherapy Immunotherapy attacks the cancer cells differently - only targetting the 'bad' cells and leaving the good cells alone. She's had 6 cycles of this drug now and I feel like we have her back, shes nearly back to her full self and the symptoms with Immunotherapy drugs just differ so much from chemotherapy. She still suffers with pain and Nausea, but nowhere near to the level that she did whilst having chemotherapy.

Unfortunately we found out today that the immunotherapy drug isn't working as we'd hoped and her tumours are showing growth on the scan. We're out of other options really, apart from maybe trying some other chemotherapy drugs but my mum has decided she doesn't want to go , purely because of the quality of life.

I'm really terrified of what's going to happen going forward, but I understand that her quality of life is the most important thing at this stage.

I have a younger brother who is 18 and since my mums diagnosis he has torn away from the family, seperating and distancing himself. He's a completely different person to me and find it difficult to get him to open up, I've tried several times to talk to him about my mums illness but he just doesn't let me in. To my stepdad and mum it looks like he doesn't care, but I know that he will be dealing with it in his own way I just wish I knew how to help him. I just don't want him to regret his actions now at a later date in life when it may be too late to resolve them.

I find every day difficult, every morning I wake up and when I remember that my mum has cancer I feel physically sick. I'm curerntly living away from home as i'm taking part in a graduate programme which requires me to move around the UK every 6 months. So at the moment i work away monday to friday and travel home every weekend to be with my family. Everyweek I do ask myself if i'm doing the right thing by being away from home but I know it's what my mum wants for me.

I just wanted to open up about my experiences, at my age I feel like not many people have gone through something similar so find it difficult to get support. My boyfriend and friends are amazing but they don't fully understand my emotions and what i'm going through, and I feel like I need to try and remain positive and upbeat all of the time for the sake of my family. I feel like I need to hold them together and if I lose it then my family will just collapse.

Like i said i'm not sure why i'm posting this, it may help others or it may help me find some sort of release. But this is my life with cancer anyway.

Z

xxx