I just came back from the hospital to see my dad in the ward today, and I just felt really lost and confused with where I'm supposed to go. I googled buzzwords like 'cancer' 'caring' and it led me to this page, and seeing people vent together inspired me to do the same.

Everytime I go to visit my dad in the ward, I always feel really fake and in denial. He likes to be treated as normal as possible- just as if he were healthy. So he will casually talk about death and rather dark things, and I will try to react in a way as though not struck by it. I only do so because I don't want to show my dad  that I'm scared and worried. I can see that even when he talks about 'if I'm gone...' topics, I can see in his eyes that he's just as scared but hates hates hates to show it to me or my sister. It really is a difficult time. Probably one of the most difficult highlights of my life so far. I always try to be brave and stay strong and smile and laugh loads in front of him- i even talk to him in such a tone as if he doesn't have cancer. He seems to appreciate that, but sometimes after all that pokerfaced acting, I feel so shaken as I leave the ward.

I also hate doing that too- leaving him in the ward. He's just moved hospitals, and he seems to be having an even worse time there. He hasn't had anything to eat, and I nearly broke down when I saw his back bones sticking out. He's been diagnosed last month, but the doctors are still deciding his options.

It's also harder at home. Since my parents divorced, and I live with my mum- it makes it very uncomfortable for me to stay at home- hence why i've been staying with my boyfriend. I'm grateful that he's very supportive too.

I don't know what i've just been ranting on about, but all i can say is that this is a very stressful situation, and it really is only the people who have a family member who has/had cancer- those people are the only true people that can empathise with these sorts of situations. We don't know how long dad has left- hence why my sister and his very close friends are all on edge at the moment. One of his best friends is urging him to fly to South korea (where my dad was born) to get treatment (there's no NHS there so although it's expensive, the treatment works all the more better and effectively). My dad is still sitting on the fence because he understands that this is going to be extremely costly, and so he feels bad. We are urging him to go- we know many cancer survivors who had treatment in Korea. We'll have to see nevertheless...

I just hope he can make it through. I'm only 22, and I'd love to see him walk me down the aisle.