Hi Tilly

This is one of those inner struggles that so many of us have had to make.  When my Dad (nearly 9 years ago) was taken to the hospice (his request) we visited as and when we were able and I was not present at his passing. I was at work.  My Mum only lived 10mins drive away but still was not by his side at the end because he had requested the nurse not to phone when the time came near as it was his wish to be 'private in death' and spare his family (and him) such sadness.  Of course we only learnt this when we reached the hospice.

Please try not to feel guilty for putting your own family first; they need you too, as much as you need them as support to get you through difficult days. I hope your Dad and brother do what is right for them as much as you go with the way you feel.  These may be different but try and make a decision that is the one you can cope with in the future and have no regrets. Take care.Jules54

Hi Jules, Thank you for your lovely reply. It's so hard as I want to be there for mum but I know I couldn't cope to see her die. Every time we leave it's like we say goodbye and I have such happy memories from yesterday I'm scared if I go again it might not be the same, I feel comfort knowing how we left yesterday. My brother and dad are very pessimistic people and they are both medically trained so see both sides of this battle. My life will never be the same but I have to try to keep positive as when my eldest son was born I suffered from severe postnatal depression and I'm proud I came through that but I sometimes feel on my dark days the depression returning. I know it sounds selfish but my boys need me and I feel so torn. 

Hi again Tilly

It does not sound at all selfish to me (as a Mum and Granny). I know my daughter would have felt exactly as you do this time last year when we were close to losing my hubby.  Both children, grandchildren and other halves spent the day with us but needed to go home to put the children to bed and quite rightly needed normality for the boys (and no one really knows when the time of passing will be - even the doc could only give us an educated guess of no more than a week).  Hubby passed away just about four hours after they left, at home which had been his final wish, and the children were sad and a bit angry that they were not here but I shall always be grateful that their last visit was when he could 'chat' as these are good memories to hold dear.  Sending hugs and in my thoughts at this difficult time.  Jules x

Hi Jules, Thank you again. I'm so sorry to hear about your husband what a brave lady and an inspiration you are. Today has been a day of all of us feeling a bit low and both my boys are emotional and getting upset at the slightest things. I'm putting it down to all the travelling and the upset of the situation. We have travelled nearly 1500 miles in 9 days and each trip is 8 hours in the car a day I think we are all a bit exhausted. I'm so stressed how to tell my dad I don't think it's appropriate to go down tomorrow as I really think we need a bit of family time for our boys. I know my mum would understand but my dad is very old fashioned and thinks I should be there 

Hi Tilly

Not sure how old your boys are (I have grandchildren of 2 and 7) but know my daughter had the inner struggles that you face especially with her elder boy who obviously saw and understood a lot more that he maybe should have at his age.  Having said that we did not have the long journey to consider when visiting, and that in itself is very tiring.  Add emotions into the mix and I am not at all surprised that you are 'spent' and feeling wiped out.  I hope you go with your heart and be happy with your decision.  As a wife, it was my privelege to take a life's journey with my hubby and he is much missed.  As a Mum I was happy with whatever decision my two children made and would regret it greatly if they felt guilty or selfish at any point as that would have upset my hubby so much.

We all do our best and cope as much as we can given exceptional circumstances and (please forgive me for being frank as would not wish to cause upset) if you completely collapse from the exhaustion of it all, you will not be able to look after yourself let alone support your boys, partner, Dad and brother as you all travel through your Mum's illness.  My thoughts are with you all.  Jules x

Hi Jules thank you so much for your lovely reply. We have decided that we have said our goodbyes on New Year's Eve as when we got home my boys were struggling not just at mum being poorly but they are so upset as they said they don't like seeing me so sad all the time. It's hard to even function. I feel at peace with my decision but I also feel so guilty as my dad and brother think I should be there everyday it's just such an awful situation. The nurses feel mum only has a couple of days as she is now constantly sleeping and only stirs if she is in pain. She doesn't have a drip anymore and they are waiting for mums body to shut down. She is so strong. It's been so quick and sometimes doesn't feel real she is only 75 but looks about 60 I'm absolutely devastated I'm losing my best friend and my mum x

Hi Tilly

Am glad you are at peace with  your decision and hope  your Mum can be kept comfortable, My thoughts are with you and the family at this heatbreaking time.Hugs   Jules x